Previously on Glee: Finn kissed Emma and the shit hit the fan. She left Will at the altar. Finn stupidly told Will instead of letting Emma decide if she wanted him to know. That’s all we get for the previouslies and it’s set to super dramatic music. That would have been more effective had the previouslies gone on just a bit longer.
We’re in the choir room where Finn and Will are sitting, being lectured by Tina, Artie, and Blaine. Apparently, the tension has been getting out of control. Will has been sending Finn on stupid errands and then ridiculing him when something isn’t done perfectly. He’s also been giving backhanded compliments to other glee club members, just to hurt Finn. I know that Will is upset, but he’s not even acting like a high schooler. This is straight-up middle school bullshit. Blaine announces this week’s theme: musical feuds. Tina and Artie reiterate that regionals are coming up and their coaches need to stop behaving like children and get back to focusing on their damn jobs. So, Finn and Will have to perform a song together based on a musical rivalry.
Santana and Rachel are at a clinic. Apparently, Rachel’s pregnancy test was a false alarm, so she’s in the clear. Rachel thanks Santana and then tells her she’s heading to class. Santana can’t believe Rachel is acting so nonchalant about everything. She tells Rachel that this is a wake-up call and it’s time to start thinking about her life choices, especially Brody.
Speaking of Brody, he’s in a tux at some swanky hotel. Some random guy comes up and asks Brody his name. He lies and says his name is Gunner. He goes on to talk about how “this” isn’t a legit thing and he needs money for tuition. Yep, Brody was never a drug dealer. He’s actually a prostitute. I’m sorry, male escort. He breaks out into Marina and the Diamonds’ “How to Be a Heart Breaker.” We switch back and forth between Brody and his client singing and Rachel walking around the loft singing the same song. It’s actually kind of an awesome song.
Blaine is in Sue’s office. She is extremely upset that Blaine hasn’t been at Cheerios practices. Blaine thought Sue understood that he quit after a day of practice. Sue shows him a contract he supposedly signed, but Blaine is confident he never signed any sort of document. Sue tells him she needs him back to help the team with cheerleading regionals. Blaine tells her that he’s too busy. For some reason, Tina’s there, too, and says she could come back to the squad if Sue really needs her. Sue questions why she’s there and kicks her out. Becky comes in to hand Blaine his uniform. Sue says Blaine needs to be back on the Cheerios or something bad will happen very shortly. Becky slaps Blaine on the ass as he leaves the room.
Ryder is in the school library talking to some random girl on the Internet. He’s apparently been talking to this girl for a while, but he’s never actually met her. Internet girl asks if anything interesting happened at school, and we get a flashback to Unique confronting Ryder in the school hallway. Unique is pissed that Ryder kissed Marley and messed up her relationship with Jake. Ryder tells Unique to back off and also calls him a dude. Unique corrects him and says that she is a “proud Black woman.” Okay, they’re finally addressing Unique’s gender identity. She is apparently supposed to be transgender. Anyway, Ryder tells Unique that she is actually a dude. Oy vey. If this were on a better show, this has the potential to be a totally groundbreaking storyline. However, this is Glee, so there’s no way the writers aren’t fucking up this one.
Finn and Will are sitting in the auditorium, discussing their assignment. Will suggests doing Biggie vs. Tupac. No, absolutely no rapping, Will. Spare us all. Finn suggests they just talk about their issues. What a new and revelatory idea. Will tells Finn that he only put him in charge of the glee club because he felt bad for him. Will tells Finn he broke the “code of a brother” and there is nothing worse than that. Will, you really need to learn how to set appropriate boundaries with your students. Finn apologizes again and Will says it’s not good enough. He tells Finn to come up with musical feud ideas because he is going to kick Finn’s ass.
Santana gets back to the loft and notices Brody’s stuff is still there. She goes on to make comments about his ability to make hundreds of dollars in cash. Rachel tells Santana to back the fuck off and says that Brody got a job as a cater-waiter. Bullshit, Rachel. If you actually believe that, you’re an idiot. Santana basically tells Rachel that she’s become a shell of her former self and wants to know what happened to the Rachel Berry she knew in high school. As Rachel leaves, Santana sneaks into the bathroom where Brody is currently showering and steals his pager.
Back at McKinley, Sue is following through on her plans to fuck with Blaine. She’s replaced his hair gel with cement, stolen his identity to ruin his credit score, and hired a plane to fly over the school with a banner that says “Blaine is on the bottom.” Blaine is furious. I pretty much love this storyline. Darren Criss and Jane Lynch are getting some really great scenes together. Blaine declares a feud between the two of them. Sue challenges him to a musical feud featuring the songs of Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey. If Blaine wins, Sue tears up the Cheerios contract. However, if Sue wins, Blaine is back in a cheerleading uniform.
Marley and Jake are still having issues. They’re arguing with each other in the school hallway. Jake is mad that Marley even let Ryder think it was a possibility for the two of them. They adorably work through their issues and Marley assures Jake that she loves him. It’s so nice to actually see a high school couple working through their issues. Marley tells Jake that she won’t ice out Ryder because she still considers him a friend, but assures him she’s in love with him.
Ryder and Unique are dealing with their feud in the choir room. Ryder performs Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back” while Unique sings Madonna’s “Dress You Up.” At the end of the song, Will asks what their inspiration was. We see Artie mediating between Ryder and Unique and suggesting a mash-up of the two aforementioned artists. Unique gives us some exposition as to why those two artists were feuding and says it’s an acceptable mash-up. Blaine steps in and tries to solve the problems between the two of them. Unique says she’ll be able to move on once Ryder admits that Unique is a girl. Ryder goes on to make some ridiculously transphobic comments and Unique tells him that he does not get to decide her gender identity. She leaves the room and Jake tells him that he is a giant douchebag.
Becky comes in to Sue’s office dressed as Nicki Minaj. Sue asks for Becky’s advice on on how to win the feud. We then get a great montage of Becky and Sue practicing their “Minaj faces.” Sue then goes through the hallways, practicing her “Minaj threats.” I love when they give Sue something hilarious like this.
Back at NYADA, Brody is tutoring a group of girls in a dance class. Santana comes in and makes comments about Brody having herpes. Brody tells her she’s loud and rude, but Santana tells him she’s also a “hardcore friend.” She tells Brody that Rachel and Kurt are her family and she’ll do anything to protect them. She tells Brody she knows what he is and demands that he move out the apartment. Santana proceeds to break into Paula Abdul’s “Cold Hearted.” Naturally, it’s Naya Rivera, so it’s fucking amazing.
Now, we get the epic fight between Will and Finn. It’s a mash-up of N’SYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye” and Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way.” Will, Blaine, and Jake take on N’SYNC complete with the puppet dancing style from the music video. Meanwhile, Finn, Artie, Ryder, and Sam act as BSB. This might be one of my favorite numbers they’ve ever done. We also get a fist fight between Will and Finn intercut with the performance. It would probably work better if they had picked one of BSB’s faster songs, like “Larger Than Life,” but it’s still beyond amazing. The song ends, but we see it doesn’t actually work when people sing out their feelings. Will still can’t forgive Finn, despite their boy band bromance moment.
Santana gets back to the loft and excitedly tells Kurt and Rachel she just got a job as a bartender. I’m sorry, isn’t Santana like 19? Why do I still question logic when it comes to these characters’ ages? I should know by now that it’s totally pointless. Anyway, Rachel and Kurt ask Santana to have a seat. Rachel and Kurt are upset Santana went after Brody at NYADA. They ask Santana to move out. Santana tells them that she considers them both her family and the two of them need to trust her instincts about people. Santana picks up her stuff and says she’s just going to stay with Lena Dunham. She also reminds them that she has street smarts and is right about Brody. After she leaves, Rachel realizes Santana just took her comforter and Kurt adds, “bitch took my pillow.” I love Santana more this season than I ever have before.
Back at McKinley, Ryder and his Internet girlfriend are still talking. Ryder talks to her about how he still has issues calling Unique a woman. Internet girl explains it to Ryder in a way that actually makes sense.
It’s time for the awesome mash-up feud between Blaine and Sue. Blaine is performing Mariah Carey’s “I Still Believe,” while Sue takes on Nicki Minaj’s “Superbass.” Blaine definitely has the stronger vocals and is killing it, but Sue has back-up dancers and special effects. Blaine might as well change into the Cheerios uniform before the song even ends. Blaine looks pissed at the quality of of special effects Sue has. He pointlessly tries to fight, but it’s fruitless. Blaine flat out begs the glee club to vote for him, but Tina is the only one who votes for him. Blaine silently accepts his fate. The rest of us thank Sue for getting Blaine back into a Cheerios uniform.
Marley goes to visit Finn in his office. He’s not even a teacher! Why does he have an office? Whatever, Glee logic. She gives him a card and thanks him for everything he did for her after Sectionals. She asks what he’ll do next, but he has no idea. Marley asks if she can speak freely and Finn reminds her she’s not in the Army. Marley, he’s like three years older than you. I know it’s confusing because he looks like he’s 30, but still. She goes on to tell Finn he needs to “grow a pair” and stop moping about the Emma kiss. This is why I love Marley. She tells him not to let Mr. Schue define his identity. Finn has an existential breakdown and says that high school defines him. Marley tells Finn that he’s a natural leader and teacher. He shouldn’t let Will stop him from doing so. Finn says he needs a teaching degree, so Marley tells him to get one. It’s like Finn never realized he could actually become a teacher.
Marley, Jake and Unique are sitting in a classroom waiting for Ryder. He comes in and apologizes to Marley for kissing her. He also apologizes to Jake for letting him down. Jake says it might take a little while, but he’ll eventually forgive Ryder. He goes on to apologize to Unique. He says he might not fully understand everything about her, but it’s not his place to tell her what her truth is. Ryder tells Unique that he sees her as a girl, and Unique starts crying. We see a flashback to Unique walking home and a bunch of girls following and taunting her. The other three decide that they’re walking home with Unique from now on, and Kitty walks into the room and says that she’ll help protect Unique as well. She also wants to know who was taunting Unique and threatens to take them down. They go on to have a really heartwarming conversation about how they are all friends and need to stick together, since they’re the future of glee club. I know the newbies have been very unpopular this season, but I really enjoy them. I think the writers have done a good job at bringing them in and making me care about them. Any show set in high school needs to bring in new people. Yes, the writers have totally dropped the ball on bringing closure to most of the characters who graduated last year, but that’s a separate issue. They’ve only ever known how to write for a select group of characters. If next year continues to be set at McKinley, and I have major doubts that it will be, I am actually invested in these characters now. I want to know what happens to them. I think Kitty is still a deplorable person, but I want to know what happens to her.
Blaine is back in his Cheerios uniform. We get some nice close-ups of his butt and chest. Thank you for that, director. Sue declares that Becky and Blaine are her co-captains. Sue goes on to lecture Blaine about commitments and asks for his word. She also tells Blaine that he needs to wear a thong to avoid visible panty lines. We then see Blaine walking down the hallway as Sam comes up to him. Apparently, this was all an elaborate scheme to get Blaine back on the squad to end Sue’s “reign of terror.” Okay, that kind of came out of nowhere. If it means Darren is going to be in that uniform for the rest of the season, though, I’m on board.
Brody enters a hotel room, only to find Santana sitting on the bed. He begs her not to tell Rachel and says that he’s not proud of what he’s doing. Finn comes out of the bathroom and glares at Brody. Brody insists he can explain, but Finn tells him to shut up. He tells Brody that he will be completely out of Rachel’s life. From here on, Finn tells Brody to become a ghost. They get into a fist fight and Finn tells Brody to stay away from “his future wife.” I know a lot of people supposedly found that scene very romantic, but I found it very disturbing. Finn has grown increasingly territorial with Rachel and it gives me very strong “stalker” vibes. I know the writers are never going to go there because Rachel and Finn are supposed to be the most romantic and perfect couple on the show. However, I find the depiction of their relationship since they broke up to be increasingly problematic. Finn treats Rachel like his property. In last season’s finale, he decided that she was going to go to New York and all but threw her on a train there. In the wedding episode a couple weeks ago, he told Rachel that they were going to get back together and live happily ever after. Now, he’s beating up Rachel’s current boyfriend, ordering him to break up with her, and referring to her as his future wife. I don’t find that romantic. I find it very creepy.
We’re back with New Directions in the auditorium singing Tegan and Sara’s “Closer.” This song really has nothing to do with the rest of the episode, but okay.
We end with Ryder talking to Internet girl and telling her that he’s moved on from Marley. He asks if they can meet and she signs off.
Next episode: Everyone divulges their guilty pleasures.