The musings of a feminist pop culture fanatic

It’s Valentine’s Day! Finn and Rachel meet up at the Lima Bean to have an awkward conversation. Rachel is, of course, super selfish and just wants to talk about herself and Brody. Finn shuts that talk down right away. He’s distraught because he kissed Miss Pillsbury. You know, his former guidance counselor who is about to marry his mentor. Kind of an awkward situation. And he’s the best man in the wedding. Rachel tries to console him, but Finn announces to the whole coffee shop that he’s the worst person in the world. Rachel says he was probably just upset about her and Brody, but Finn awesomely tells her not everything is about her. She tells him to just act supportive.

Finn goes to visit Emma in her office. She’s freaking out over wedding preparations and her OCD is in overdrive. Emma apologizes for not having a pamphlet for Finn, but he should just get over it. Emma asks Finn to just stay away and leave her alone. Will knocks on the door because he’s apparently back in town. Until he showed up, I had almost forgotten he was gone. He really just adds nothing to the show anymore. Anyway, he patronizingly asks how his “nervous little bride” is doing. She’s clearly about to have a nervous breakdown, Will. He says he’ll help her with wedding stuff after glee practice.

Finn and Will walk into the choir room. Everyone applauds the fact that Will is back. For his first assignment back, he asks the glee club to provide all the music for the wedding reception. He also asks Finn to sing a song instead of giving the best man toast.

Emma is talking to Artie in the hallway while she aggressively cleans his locker. She tells Artie he will be sitting next to her niece Betty at the reception and warns him that she has large breasts. Yeah, that’s not what you needed to tell him about ahead of time.

Marley and Jake are walking down the hallway. Marley is so excited about Jake’s Valentine’s Day present that she wants him to open it now. It’s a set of cufflinks she made for him. The two of them are freaking adorable. Ryder comes up and asks if Jake has gotten anything for Marley yet. He said he’s been asking Puck for ideas. Puck’s suggestion is to take her out to dinner because she’s bulimic and therefore won’t cost a lot of money to feed. Then he suggests to buy her a bunch of lingerie and have her do a fashion show because “chicks love fashion.” Yep, Puck is still a huge pig. Ryder acts as the voice of reason and tells Jake to never listen to Puck for advice. Ryder volunteers to help Jake turn it into Valentine’s week.

Finn is sitting in the auditorium, freaking out. He’s trying to find an appropriate song for his wedding toast, but all of the songs he picked out involve being in love with his best friend’s girl. Rachel tells him he can’t sing any of those songs. She says they can just do a duet. She’ll take the lead and he can just sway in the background. Finn asks if Rachel can handle singing with him, but she completely dismisses him.

Mr. Schue is back teaching American History. For some reason, he’s giving a lecture about bald eagles and how much they weigh. I don’t understand how this man has a teaching certificate. He is a total moron. Anyway, Ryder and Marley are in his class. Ryder keeps looking over his shoulder and freaking out. Marley asks what’s wrong, but Ryder says nothing is happening. Jake comes in wearing the ugliest red tuxedo ever. Since Will is a terrible teacher, he doesn’t care that Jake and all the glee club guys are about to completely distract his class. Jake starts to sing Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell’s “You’re All I Need to Get By” as Marley joins in. The glee club boys provide back-up vocals and eventually get Mr. Schue to join them.

We immediately jump to the wedding. All of the former glee clubbers are in attendance. Santana and Quinn sit together as Santana rants about how much she hates weddings and Valentine’s Day. Quinn joins in by ranting about how much she despises men and how she is not going to let men define her any more.

Artie comes up to Emma’s niece Betty (played by The Glee Project’s awesome Ali Stroker). Betty is confused at first and asks if she beat Artie to the last handicapped spot. Artie says Emma wanted him to look out for Betty. She takes another look at him and literally says “Aw, hell no. Wheel the hell away.” Betty says she does not date guys in chairs. When Arties points out that she is also in a wheelchair, she says it doesn’t matter because she’s blonde, captain of the cheerleaders, and has amazing boobs.

Ryder, Marley, and Jake get to the church. Marley sees a bouquet of peonies on the pew and asks how Jake knew they’re her favorite flower. Ryder jumps in and says Jake remembered she mentioned them in the choir room once.

Kurt and Blaine are furiously making out in the backseat of someone’s car. It’s fucking hot. And completely out of left field, but okay. Kurt asks what they’re doing and mentions that he’s kind of dating Adam back in New York. Blaine jumps in and says it doesn’t have to mean anything. They’re just “bros helping bros.” I have no idea how they have progressed to this point in their relationship again because we’ve seen no interaction between them since Christmas, but I’m all for a good Klaine make-out. Once again, Mercedes is a huge cockblock and interrupts them. Mercedes asks if they realize how trashy and blasphemous this is. Um, it’s also hot.

Emma is in her dressing room, freaking out. Sue comes in wearing an exact replica of Emma’s wedding dress. Emma is basically hyperventilating and Sue just says that there’s no way this relationship would actually work out. You’re not helping, Sue. Cue the most awesome musical number of the episode. Will, Emma, and Mercedes perform a montage of Company’s “Getting Married Today.” Seriously, you must YouTube it if you haven’t seen it. Jayma Mays is particularly fantastic. As Will stands at the altar, Emma gets the hell out of the church and hops into a taxi. The wedding march starts up and Becky comes in as the flower girl. She is very aggressively throwing the rose petals. Then Sue comes in and starts walking down the aisle. This is a bit ridiculous, even for her. Anyway, she gets up to the altar and breaks the news that Emma fled the church.

Cut to a few moments later. Will and Finn are sitting there. Finn is trying to find out why she might have done that, but what he’s very clearly trying to find out is if she told Will about their kiss. Will says he left her behind in Lima with all the stress of wedding planning and then completely dismissed all her anxiety as her “normal obsessiveness.” So, Will is aware he’s a total tool. That’s good. It’s the first step to a full recovery. Will asks if Finn thinks there’s someone else. At that point, Santana comes in and says she was appointed to ask Mr. Schue what he wants to do about the reception. They ridiculously decide to go ahead and have the party, since everything was already paid for. Most awkward reception ever.

We get to the wedding reception and everyone is dancing together. Quinn and Santana are pretty much attached at the hip. They get to the bar and present their fake IDs to get some wine. Ryder and Jake discuss the fact that not a single gift has actually been Jake’s idea, but he just says that all his ideas were terrible. Ryder gives Jake a heart-shaped pendant to give to Marley. Jake says it’s perfect and she will totally agree to have sex with him tonight. Ryder points out that Marley isn’t ready for sex, but Jake is sure she will be tonight. Maybe we should let Marley decide what to do with her virginity?

Kurt and Blaine are duetting again. I love all the Klaine in this episode. Anyway, they sing Depeche Mode’s “Just Can’t Get Enough” while Rachel tries to console Finn. The two boys are freaking adorable on stage, as Tina just glares at them. Seriously, I’m so done with her ridiculous crush. He has let her down every way imaginable. Get the fuck over it, Tina. Go over to Mike and let him remind you of when you were a tolerable character on this show. Plus, I miss Mike. Artie goes over to Betty and tries to talk to her again. She makes it clear that she really has no interest in him. He says it’s just because she’s angry she’s in a chair, but Betty says she just doesn’t “suffer fools.” Artie stands up to her and asks for one dance. He kind of wears her down with his charm and she agrees to one dance. Everyone continues to dance as Kurt and Blaine sing.

As the song ends, Blaine leaves to go get punch while Kurt reminds Blaine again that the two of them are just friends. Kurt goes over to the cupcakes as Tina comes up to confront him. She says she doesn’t like the way Kurt is treating Blaine. Kurt awesomely comes back with the fact that her crush on Blaine is just getting creepy. Tina says she is the one that has been there taking care of Blaine and putting VapoRub on his chest while he slept. She just confirmed her totally stalkerish behavior from last week. Kurt asks if Tina “VapoRaped [his] ex-boyfriend” as Tina runs away. It’s possibly the most hilarious scene of the whole episode.

Sue comes on stage to be ridiculous and throw the bouquet. Her monologue about the ridiculousness of traditions is pretty much hilarious. She tosses the bouquet and it flies straight into Rachel’s hands. Outside the reception hall, Finn is just waiting for Rachel to come by. He pulls out a flower from the bouquet and starts doing “She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not.” Dude, just count the petals. Don’t rip them out one by one. Rachel asserts that she is a single woman. Finn creepily comes onto her by talking about their love as a garden. Rachel says she and Brody have a relationship without any labels about what they are. Finn says Rachel is just lying to herself and she can’t commit to Brody because she is lying to herself. Finn goes on to say that the two of them will always be together. As he leans in to kiss her, she says they need to go sing their duet.

Finn and Rachel start Bob Seger’s “We’ve Got Tonight” as all the couples dance together. Quinn and Santana seem to be getting along famously as they slow dance together. Kurt and Blaine are awfully cozy as well. As the song continues, we see Finn and Rachel going up to a hotel room together. The next couple to go find a place to get it on is Kurt and Blaine. Then Marley and Jake. Quinn and Santana stumble into a room together. Finally, Artie and Betty go into a room. Finn and Rachel quickly get undressed and climb in bed as Finn turns off the light.

A little while later, Kurt is getting redressed as Blaine sits on the bed. Blaine asserts that they should just get back together. Kurt says it was fun, but didn’t mean anything. Blaine says he won’t let Kurt minimize what just happened between them. He reminds Kurt that they were together on Christmas and now Valentine’s Day. He says they are going to continue to be together, but Kurt just says he’ll meet Blaine downstairs.

Quinn and Santana talk in the afterglow. Quinn says she understands now why college girls experiment. Quinn says that it was fun, but she thinks she likes having sex with men more. Santana tells Quinn not to worry about her getting overly attached. They agree to have sex one more time.

Artie and Betty are lying in bed together. Artie asks how it was for her and she says she doesn’t know. He says he doesn’t know, either.

Marley and Jake sit on the bed, fully clothed. Marley apologizes for not being ready, but Jake assures her everything is okay.

Rachel gets dressed and leaves Finn alone in the hotel room. Next thing we know, Rachel is back in New York City. Brody has decorated the loft with rose petals and twinkle lights everywhere. They sit on the couch together and kiss. Brody asks if Rachel kissed anyone else while she was in Lima and Rachel completely dismisses his worries. She asks if Brody was with anyone while she was gone. We see a flashback of him walking out of a hotel room, counting cash. Guys, is Brody a prostitute? Best twist ever.

Kurt and Blaine walk through the hallways of McKinley with Tina. She says she’s sorry for attacking Kurt at the reception, but she was just jealous of their chemistry on stage. She realized it was like watching two soulmates reconnect and she wanted that for herself. Blaine promises she will find someone one day, but it won’t be him. He says he just wants to get back to them being friends again. Kurt jumps in and reminds us all that he’s in full denial and is still just friends with Blaine. Kurt invites Tina to come with them to a double feature of “All About Eve” and “Showgirls,” but Tina doesn’t want to be a third wheel. Blaine promises to help Tina find a boyfriend and he is honored that his first “hag” is someone as awesome as she is.

Marley comes up to Ryder in the hallway. She hands him a card to say thank you for everything he did for her last week. She knew that Jake was not the person behind all the romantic gestures. Marley tells Ryder that whenever he does that for someone for real, she will be incredibly lucky. Ryder tells her it was for real and kisses her. Well, that’s going to be awkward.

Will is sitting in the teacher’s lounge. Finn comes in and dumps out Will’s coffee. He gives Will a pep talk and tells him to never give up. Will says he just needs time to process, but Finn says he should be working to find Emma right now.

Betty comes up to Artie in the hallway of McKinley. She apologizes for being so mean to him at the wedding and thanks him for being “the best she’s ever had.” Artie asks for her phone number so he can take her out on a date.

We end the episode in the auditorium with New Directions singing Ellie Goulding’s “Anything Could Happen.” Meanwhile, back in New York, Rachel takes a pregnancy test. Seriously, another baby drama storyline? Ugh.

Next week: It’s all movie music and Glee performs their 500th number.

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