7:30 It’s starting! So many lights at once! The theme is apparently Music in Film. This should be good. First joke about Ben Affleck getting snubbed. Seth MacFarlane is actually doing pretty well with the monologue, except for the fact that he made a joke about Rihanna and Chris Brown’s relationship.
7:35 Holy shit, William Shatner just got beamed in. He traveled back in time to stop Seth MacFarlane from destroying the Oscars. Apparently, he ruins the show with a song about all the movies featuring women’s boobs. It’s actually kind of funny. Shatner tells him to sing a song celebrating the Oscars.
7:39 Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron come out to dance while McFarlane sings “The Way You Look Tonight.” My hopes for Tatum’s tear away tux are dashed. Shatner tells him his performance is a little better, but he still sucks because of his reenactment of “Flight” with sock puppets. This is actually kind of awesome. Can we have sock puppet reenactments of all the movies?
7:42 Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt come out to sing and dance “High Hopes” with McFarlane. So much beautiful on the stage.
7:43 McFarlane’s performance is up to mediocre, but Shatner said McFarlane sexually harassed Sally Field in the greenroom with his Flying Nun impersonation.
7:46 We’re up to the big show-stopping opening number set to “Be Our Guest.” I totally believe this will in fact be the longest Oscar ceremony ever.
7:47 We’re finally to the first award of the night! Octavia Spencer is here to present Best Supporting Actor. One of the most wide-open categories of the night. Nominees are Alan Arkin, Robert De Niro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tommy Lee Jones, and Christoph Waltz. And Christoph Waltz just pulled a huge upset with the win for Django! Holy shit, y’all. Did not see that one coming at all. This marks Waltz’s second win for a Quentin Tarantino film. And 22 minutes in, we’re at our first commercial break.
7:55 Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy are here to do the animated categories. They’re doing a bit about how actors can transform characters with their voices. For two talented actors, this bit is really falling flat. And the winner is Paperman! It’s the only one I’ve seen and it’s absolutely adorable. Seriously, check it out.
7:59 Now for Best Animated Feature. The award goes to Brave and the man accepting the Oscar just happens to be wearing a turquoise kilt. This is fantastic. The female director of the film thanks her daughter who inspired the film.
8:00 Reese Witherspoon comes out to present the clip packages for “Les Miserables,” Life of Pi,” and “Beasts of the Southern Wild.” They’re apparently grouping them rather than doing nine separate presentations. I very much appreciate that. After the clip package, they cut to Quvenzhane Wallis who is making muscles like a champ. McFarlane says Quvenzhane told him backstage that she really hopes she doesn’t lose to that “old lady…Jennifer Lawrence.”
8:05 The Avengers come out. Well, the male ones anyway. Apparently, Scarlett Johannsson doesn’t count as an Avenger. They’re here to present Best Cinematography. Claudio Miranda deservedly wins for “Life of Pi.” He has long flowing white hair. He looks like Lucius Malfoy’s older brother.
8:08 The Male Avengers are back to present Visual Effects. Some tense discussion concerning the ongoing visual effects strike. The award goes to Life of Pi, naturally. Apparently, the playoff music tonight is the “Jaws” music. That was awkward…
8:15 Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston are here to present Costume Design and Makeup/Hairstyling. Fun banter about how Channing Tatum had to get waxed for some of his roles. First up is Costume Design. The award goes to Anna Karenina.
8:18 Tatum and Aniston are back for Makeup & Hairstyling. Les Miserables wins, shocking no one. one of the winners is wearing hot pink leggings. I love them.
8:21 Seth McFarlane is back for more banter. Now for the James Bond tribute. Halle Berry comes out to start things off. Clip package featuring all the awesome music. And now Shirley Bassey comes out to sing “Goldfinger.” Epic performance. The woman looks damn good.
8:31 Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington are here to present Live Action Short film. The winner is “Curfew.” The director of the film is pretty much adorable.
8:35 Now for Documentary Short. The winner is Inocente. The winners are all so overwhelmed and adorable. I love these categories because the winners are so genuinely happy to win.
8:37 Seth McFarlane introduces Liam Neeson, “a modern superhero.” He’s here to introduce Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty. Fun fact: Liam Neeson was originally supposed to play Lincoln in Spielberg’s film, but it took too long to get together, so Daniel Day-Lewis got the role instead.
8:41 Possible too soon joke? “The actor that really got inside Abraham Lincoln’s head was John Wilkes Booth.” Kind of hilarious. I actually appreciated that joke.
8:42 Ben Affleck is here to present Best Documentary. The winner is unsurprisingly “Searching for Sugar Man.” Another Documentary Feature win for it. I really wish it had been “The Invisible War,” but alas. The play-off music is still “Jaws,” though.
8:49 Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain are here to present Best Foreign Film. Not surprisingly, the Oscar goes to “Amour.” Michael Haneke accepts what will hopefully be the film’s only award tonight.
8:52 John Travolta is out to present the clip package for best movie musicals of all time. We start off with a performance of “All That Jazz” by Catherine Zeta-Jones. Damn, she’s still got it. Now let’s bring out Jennifer Hudson to do “And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going.” She has also still got it. And now for the Les Miserables number. It’s apparently a mash-up of a variety of songs. It’s basically a greatest hits of the show. It’s basically amazing. Holy shit.
9:08 Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana are here to tell us all about the Technical Oscars. They tell us about all the fancy improvements made and I don’t understand most of it.
9:10 Seth McFarlane is back. He trashes “Ted” a little bit. It’s pretty endearing. Mark Wahlberg and Ted are there to present Best Sound Editing and Mixing awards. Sound Mixing goes to Les Miserables, not surprising since musicals do really well there.
9:13 Now it’s time for Sound Editing. First we have to put up with Ted doing some bullshit about being Jewish. Kinda funny, but still. Not necessary. There’s a fucking tie, y’all. I’ve never seen this happen before. The first Oscar goes to Zero Dark Thirty. This guy’s wife is wearing a hot pink kimono and I love it. The second Oscar goes to Skyfall. Holy shit. Total craziness.
9:18 Seth McFarlane is back to introduce Christopher Plummer. They straight up pull the final scene from “The Sound of Music,” where they introduce him and the music plays, but no one comes out. Then a Nazi comes out and says he’s gone. As a huge “Sound of Music” fan, I was actually almost rolling on the floor laughing. He’s here to give Best Supporting Actress to Anne Hathaway. Another solid lock for tonight. It’s just unfortunate that Anne Hathaway is wearing a dress that really highlights her nipples. And it’s pink, so that doesn’t help. Such a grateful speech. Really love her. As they cut to commercial, it looks like the extras from Pan Am are there to hand out some concessions. Weird.
9:29 McFarlane introduces the president of the Academy now. They’re apparently making an Academy museum. I want to go to there. He introduces some college students who won a contest by making a film about how they would contribute to the future of film.
9:31 McFarlane introduces Sandra Bullock as someone who played a raging alcoholic in “28 Days.” He says he’ll be playing one in about an hour and forty-five minutes, or he might be playing one now. She presents Best Film Editing to “Argo.” This bodes very well for its Best Picture chances.
9:34 Jennifer Lawrence comes out to introduce Adele’s performance of “Skyfall.” So epic. Her dress is so sparkly. Not gonna lie. I kinda want to marry her. Or at least be her best friend.
9:43 Nicole Kidman is here to introduce clip packages for Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained, and Amour. These three films have absolutely nothing in common beyond the Best Picture nominations. Update: Someone pointed out on Twitter that these three films can all be considered love stories. Got it now.
9:47 Daniel Radcliffe got stuck with Kristen Stewart to present Best Production Design. I’m so sorry for him. Harry Potter and Twilight do not share that many fans. I’m offended on behalf of all HP fans. Ugh. Anyway, Lincoln wins for Best Production Design.
9:50 Salma Hayek comes out to talk about the Governor’s Awards. They show the people who were given honorary Oscars there. All of them are sitting together in balcony seats.
9:57 George Clooney comes out to present the In Memoriam segment. Really glad they mute the applause. I think it’s so tacky to clap until the entire package is done. It ends with Marvin Hamslich, which cues Barbra Streisand to come out and perform “The Way We Were.” John wanders out to the front room and asks if that’s Cher singing. Oh, honey.
10:09 Richard Gere, Renee Zellweger, Queen Latifah, and Catherine Zeta-Jones come out to present Best Original Score. John asked if Richard Gere was Alex Trebek. He quickly realized his error. The winner is “Life of Pi.” I really thought John Williams would get it.
10:12 The Chicago cast sticks around to hand out Best Original Song. They remind us about Adele and the Les Mis cast. They quickly show the nominees from “Chasing Ice” and “Life of Pi.” Norah Jones comes out to perform a snippet from “Everybody Needs a Best Friend.” Adele wins for “Skyfall,” meaning at the age of 23, she is halfway to being an EGOT winner. She’s so overwhelmed. She just looked down at her Oscar and kind of smiled. It was really adorable.
10:22 Seth McFarlane introduces Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron come out to introduce the screenplay awards. Charlize, that laugh just sounded so fake, hon. Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Argo. Chris Terrio looks an awful lot like Sean William Scott. He sounds like he took speed for the rate at which he is talking.
10:25 Theron and Hoffman stick around for Best Original Screenplay. The Oscar goes to Quentin Tarantino for “Django Unchained.” He seems to pause, but then comes back to say this will be the writer’s year and closes his speech by saying “Peace Out.” Oh, Quentin.
10:32 Back to the show. McFarlane introduces Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas as the children of Hollywood legends. They give Best Director to Ang Lee for “Life of Pi.” I’m totally cool with this because he is an adorable man. Really glad they didn’t pull out the Jaws music on him. That would really be inappropriate with a movie about a shipwreck…
10:40 Jean Dujardin comes out to present Best Actress. After they show her clip, Quvenzhane is still just making muscles like a champ. She is so freaking adorable. And Katniss just won a Best Actress Oscar! She just tripped on the stairs and Hugh Jackman rushed over to help her. She was so incredibly flustered. She barely remembered to thank anyone, but she did remember to tell Emmanuelle Riva happy birthday. Too precious.
10:45 Meryl Streep is here to present Best Actor. Just walk out into the audience and hand it to Daniel Day-Lewis. Did she really not even open the envelope? She must have done that during the clips, but it would have been even funnier if she had never opened it. Such a sure thing. He jokes that he was originally supposed to play Margaret Thatcher and Meryl Streep was Spielberg’s original choice for Lincoln. He jokes about his wife having to put up with some strange men throughout the years, as a nod to his total Method acting. John asks, “How was sex with Abraham Lincoln?” Moonda responds “Liberating.”
10:51 We’re finally up to Best Picture. Jack Nicholson comes out to present the award. Nope, he’s just here to introduce Michelle Obama who will actually present the award. Nice twist. Nope, they just wanted Michelle to talk about how important movies and the arts are. Back to Jack for the nominees and presentation. Oh, Michelle does have the envelope. It’s official. Argo wins Best Picture.
10:56 Grant Heslov gives the acceptance speech and says “I know what you’re all thinking, the three sexiest producers in Hollywood.” Ben Affleck starts speaking so quickly that he sounds like a mouse on speed. He thanks Canada, Iran, his wife and children. Most random group of people to thank.
11:00 Seth McFarlane comes back to close out the night. He starts to run through the sponsors. At that point, my local news stations pulled the plug on the Oscars and went to the local news. Sad day.