We open on NYADA, where Kurt is getting very aggravated with Rachel’s behavior. Yeah, well, I’ve been annoyed with her for four seasons. Join the freaking club. Apparently, Rachel has been insufferable since she won the Winter Showcase. She takes up all the “free singing” time in class. She doesn’t clean up after herself at home. She completely ignores Kurt at school, in favor of people who just tell her how brilliant she is. She asks Kurt to answer her phone and take a message while she rests her voice. Kurt decides it’s time to take Rachel down a peg. The next day, Rachel wakes Kurt up early with all her vocal exercises. Kurt goes into the kitchen and Rachel asks him to make her some tea because it’s good for her throat. Kurt just about smacks her with the tea kettle, but Rachel says Kurt is being rude. The shit is finally hitting the fan between these two. Kurt says she is completely insufferable and annoying, while Rachel naturally says Kurt is just jealous of her. Rachel says the only reason Kurt got to sing at the showcase is because Carmen knew Kurt is her friend. He challenges Rachel to Midnight Madness, which appears to be NYADA’s version of Fight Club. Rachel reminds him that she beat him in Season 1’s “diva off,” but Kurt finally clues her in to the fact that he threw the note in “Defying Gravity” in order to save his dad from embarrassment. Rachel is shocked and believes Kurt is lying. Apparently, all of Rachel’s confidence was based on winning that. Kurt doesn’t care and says Diva Off Part 2 is on.
Meanwhile, back at McKinley, Emma is freaking out about planning the wedding. She starts confiding in Finn about how stressed she is, while Finn confides about how he’s worried about the upcoming Regionals. Emma gives Finn the idea to have the glee club compete against each other in order to toughen them up. Finn loves the idea and tells Emma she should be their celebrity guest judge.
Thus, this week will become Diva Week. The scene where Emma describes what a diva is has to be one of the funniest scenes of this season. Jayma Mays delivers the lines perfectly and it is absolutely hysterical. We get such gems as “She is not a trick ass ho,” which makes me laugh every time I think about the line. I really want to get it as a ringtone. Jake says the guys are screwed, but Blaine assures everyone that guys can be divas, too. While Emma tells the club about her diva-like ways in local restaurants, the club goes into a fantasy sequence about their diva ways. The girls plus Blaine sing Beyonce’s “Diva,” which is pretty much fantastic. Darren Criss, in particular, has some hilarious moments in the background.
Blaine has a terrible cold, so Tina makes him a get well soon kit. Her behavior in this episode quickly goes from sweet to creepy. She tells him to take the medicine in a specific order. Blaine thanks her and says he can’t take the nighttime cold medicine because it makes him too woozy, and he needs to be on top of things for Diva Week. Despite his cold, he gives a great performance of Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now,” despite his ridiculous leather cap which is way too big for his head. Once he takes the hat off, he’s just super hot.
Finn goes into a ridiculous speech about how divas aren’t mortal. They’re like the Loch Ness Monster or Smiegel. He calls in Santana to demonstrate what a true diva is. She comes in with some of her fellow Kentucky cheerleaders to perform Ike and Tina Turner’s “Nutbush City Limits.” There has to be a better song for her to sing. Regardless, the performance is fierce and reminds us that New Directions really has no true divas right now. Brittany and Santana proceed to have a very awkward conversation in front of the entire glee club about the fact that Brittany didn’t tell Santana she was dating Sam. Apparently, Santana had to find it out from Tina. Santana introduces Brittany to her new girlfriend, Elaine.
Later, Santana and Sam have a showdown in the auditorium over Brittany. Santana is extremely upset that Brittany decided to date Sam over everyone else. Sam says he’s not letting Brittany go without a fight and they proceed to have an epic sing-off with the Barbra Streisand and Kim Carnes classic “Make No Mistake (She’s Mine).” It’s really unfair putting Santana against Sam. Chord Overstreet is a very talented singer, but Naya Rivera just blows him away. They don’t realize that Brittany is at the back of the auditorium watching this all unfold. Sam acknowledges that Santana is still in love with Brittany, but says he’s who is best for Brittany right now. Why don’t they let Brittany decide that for herself?
Santana goes to visit Sue, who wants to know why all these former glee clubbers seem to be able to come back whenever they want. Santana says she just has a light schedule this semester, but Sue reminds her she’s the one responsible for Santana’s scholarship. Santana apparently dropped out of Kentucky a month ago because she was completely miserable. Sue says she needs someone to take over the Cheerios and since Finn can apparently just start teaching choir, there’s no reason Santana couldn’t become a cheerleading coach. Santana loves the idea because it will bring her closer to Brittany.
Finn and Emma have apparently become close friends since he started working at McKinley. Finn found out from Facebook that Rachel is living with someone now and goes to talk to Emma. She provides him with some pamphlets and says maybe it’s time for Finn to move on. She goes on to say that she hasn’t felt like herself since Will left for Washington. He thanks her for her help and says she’s the only person who can always cheer him up. She goes on to ask for his help in some wedding decisions, which she should really be making with her fiance. I know Finn apparently stole Will’s wardrobe, but he’s not Mr. Schue, Emma.
Tina decides she’s sick of losing at everything. She says she is the rightful diva of New Directions and refuses to continue to be upstaged by Santana. She continues to pine over Blaine and even stops to think that she should call Mike, but decides to continue to pursue the very gay man. Tina gives him a jar of Vaporub and then gets upset when Blaine calls her sweet. Tina says she wants to be seen as a diva, so Blaine invites Tina over to find a song to bring out her inner diva. Tina and Blaine are chilling in his room. She looks at his shrine to his relationship with Kurt and asks if he’s ever been with a girl. He tells her that he loves girls and thinks they’re beautiful, but he’s not interested in them sexually. He’s told her this before, but she still seems to think there might be hope for her and him. Tina says they’re young and still have time to find themselves. Blaine doesn’t seem to catch on to the fact that Tina is still hoping he turns straight and thinks she’s referring to her inner diva. At this point, the cold medicine is catching up with Blaine and he all but passes out. Naturally, this is when Tina decides to confess (again) that she is in love with him. Tina says everything would be worth it, even if they’re just in a sexless relationship. Of course, Blaine is already asleep at this point. Tina decides to unbutton his shirt, straddle him, and put Vaporub on his chest before curling up next to him. Look, I can see where some people viewed this as sweet and tragic on Tina’s part. However, this crosses so many lines. Blaine has told Tina repeatedly that he is not interested in anything other than friendship from her. He confides in her about guys he likes and is open about the fact that he has no sort of sexual interest in women. Had she just tucked him in and left, that would be acceptable. But we know that she stayed and continued to put Vaporub on him because in a later scene, Blaine says the jar is almost empty and he doesn’t know how it got that way. This makes three episodes where Tina has been pining over Blaine. In two of those three episodes, she has confessed her feelings to him, only for him to tell her he is not attracted to women. The more she pursues this, the less sympathetic she becomes, and frankly, the creepier she gets.
The next day at school, Tina decides to confront Blaine. She says she’s the reason he feels better, because she took care of him. Tina proceeds to yell at him about how he can’t see she’s the one who gives him support. She says the next time he gets sick, he shouldn’t come to her because she’s all out of soup. Blaine rightfully says that seems a little crazy, but Tina says “No, that seems a little Tina Cohen-Chang.” You’re right. At this point, they are practically synonyms. She proceeds to break into a cover of Madonna’s “Hung Up.” It’s a fantastic performance, but Tina has become such an inconsistent character that I don’t even know what they’re trying to do with her anymore. I feel bad for Jenna Ushkowitz because she deserves far better than this.
Brody fills Rachel in on the rules of Midnight Madness. It’s basically a sing-off. The winner gets notoriety and fame for the rest of his or her time at NYADA, while the loser is shamed and humiliated. As Rachel says she’ll just have to beat Kurt, her ridiculous sycophants come up to talk to her about what a loser Kurt is. Rachel shockingly stands up for Kurt, as Kurt comes up and defends himself. We finally get to Midnight Madness, which Brody is apparently in charge of. That seems like a major conflict of interest. Anyway, Brody gives the rules. One song. Two singers. Audience determines the winner. Silent applause only because it’s not a performance, “it’s bloodsport.” Rachel and Kurt are the first singers up. Their song is Les Miserables’ “Bring Him Home.” It’s always nice to hear Chris Colfer get to sing. I just wish it was a better song from Les Mis. It’s a perfectly lovely performance from both of them, but it’s just not my favorite song. Proving that sometimes things do go right in the world, Kurt is deemed the winner and Rachel is publicly shamed. It’s pretty much fantastic, but Kurt doesn’t seem to be completely thrilled. The next day, he talks with Adam about how he feels conflicted because he just got lucky with the song choice. Adam tries to make him feel better, but Rachel’s sycophants come rushing up to them. Now that Kurt won, they’ve switched allegiance to him. Kurt calls them out on their shallow behavior and also tells them to stop making fun of Adam’s Apples. They walk away in shame. He goes over to talk to Rachel, but she seems to have lost all her mojo. Kurt takes it upon himself to revive Rachel’s spirit. He tells her she has to get back into the swing of things. Rachel says she’s not going to try out for anything more because she doesn’t want to become even more of a diva and lose her best friend in the process. Kurt gives her a pep talk and says she’s not a diva because she’s a nightmare. She’s a diva because she’s insanely talented and unique. They hug and make up. That last scene was the most likable Rachel has been in months.
The winner of Diva Week is Tina. Considering it was apparently between her, Blaine, and Santana, I think that’s the right choice. There’s a confetti cannon and even a little trophy for her. Later, Blaine comes up and gives her a chocolate flower. He proceeds to apologize for taking her for granted while he was sick. Blaine goes on to tell her that she is the most important person to him at McKinley and asks her to be his date for Mr. Schue’s wedding. I get that a lot of people think Blaine is leading on Tina, but he’s given her no indication he wants to be anything other than friends. She’s the one who keeps reading more into it.
Emma is still spiraling out of control over wedding stress. She’s having severe anxiety attacks and freaking out about things not being perfect. Emma starts throwing away flowers and screaming that she can’t get married again because it’s not right. Finn goes to calm her down and gets the brilliant idea to kiss her. Once the kiss ends, he runs away, like the scared little boy he is.
Brittany and Santana finally have a real conversation. Brittany tells Santana that she’s not breaking up with Sam. She really likes him and says he makes her feel smart. Santana says she didn’t think they would get back together, she just wanted Brittany to aim higher. Brittany confesses she knows Santana paid Elaine to pretend to be her girlfriend and that she dropped out of school. Santana tells Brittany her new plan to take over the Cheerios once Sue dies. Brittany tells Santana that she needs to follow her dreams and go somewhere as big as Santana’s talents. She tells Santana they’re still best friends and she needs to go follow her dreams. As Santana fantastically sings Alicia Keys’ “Girl on Fire,” we see her coming out of a subway and showing up on Kurt and Rachel’s doorstep. That’s right. They’re getting yet another roommate.
Next week: Will and Emma may or may not get married, but the episode will definitely break Tumblr and Twitter.