The musings of a feminist pop culture fanatic

By the title of the episode, it’s safe to assume this is about a Sadie Hawkins dance. Now, I have never actually heard of this type of dance being done anywhere other than on television shows. I’m sure they used to be super popular, back before teenage girls realized there was no law against them asking a boy (or another girl) to any sort of dance. The idea that teenage girls need a special kind of dance to be empowered and ask someone rather than waiting to be asked is pretty offensive. I asked my prom date to the dance instead of the other way around. The world didn’t go up in flames. I wasn’t shunned. His mancard wasn’t revoked for getting asked by a girl. No, none of that happened because this is the 21st century. For any teenage girls who might read this, know that you can always ask someone to a dance or out on date or whatever. There is no shame in it. And hopefully, we will one day see a world where the idea of a Sadie Hawkins dance is nothing more than a distant reminder of the past.

Now that I’ve got that out of my system, let’s get into the action.

Previously on Glee: The Warblers blew the New Directions out of the water at Sectionals, but the loss got blamed on Marley’s eating disorder and then no one cared (other than her mom) to get her any sort of professional help. Sue took over the choir room. Puck moved back to Lima. The Jarley storyline continued. Kurt randomly got an audition for NYADA and he got in!

Sam is obsessing over the Sectionals loss. He is convinced that their change from the side-stepping Warblers of two years ago into the acrobatic powerhouses of this year is due to steroids. Blaine isn’t fully on board yet, but Sam is convinced. He knows that not all the Warblers competed and he thinks there was something definitely fishy about their win.

This is also the week of weird, sudden crushes. Blaine is crushing on Sam. Tina is crushing on Blaine. I’m really hoping these crushes are for one episode only because I love the Blam bromance and the Blatina friendship. I don’t want unrequited love getting in the way there. The only kind of adorable crush is Neck Brace Cheerio constantly trying to get up the nerve to ask out Ryder. Eh, I ship it.

Tina has the bright idea to have a Sadie Hawkins dance. Ugh. She came up with it at her meeting of the “Too Young to Be Bitter” Club. Double ugh. The only good thing about this storyline is that it reintroduced Lauren Zizes. I missed Ashley Fink. Anyway, now that our patriarchal society has given the McKinley girls permission to ask boys out, the boys are all freaking out about getting asked.

Beiste and Finn have a really great scene. Mainly because everything involving Beiste is great. He’s bummed because Sue took over the classroom and now the Glee Club is like “fugees” (by which he means refugees) who don’t have a home. He also is stressed because without competition, he has to come up with a weekly lesson for them. Except he doesn’t because he’s not a damn teacher. Remember that part of the plot? He can’t be a teacher because he’s 18 and only has a high school diploma. Oy vey. Anyway, Beiste gives him a pep talk and gives him the idea to have female empowerment as this week’s theme. I hate when Glee does female empowerment themes because it is never actually about female empowerment. It’s about a bunch of men and boys giving women and girls permission to be empowered for that week only. Look at their previous attempts in season 1’s Madonna episode and Season 3’s “I Kissed a Girl.”

So, the glee club theme of the week is “Ladies Choice,” in which the Glee Club girls sing to the boys they want to take to the dance. We get started off with Tina’s rendition of “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” from “Jesus Christ Superstar,” which she very awkwardly sings to Blaine. We get some flashbacks of Blaine being adorable and Tina falling for him. We also get a really great shot of Tina looking at Blaine’s ass, which is very nice. Look, as someone who is completely in love with Blaine, I get it, but he’s definitely gay. Blaine is the last to figure out that Tina is singing to him, even though she ends up singing directly in front of him. The whole club realizes what’s about to happen and it’s so awkward. Blaine is put in a terrible position and very gently lets her down.

Fans of the show might remember that Blaine divulged in the season 2 prom episode that he was violently beaten at a Sadie Hawkins dance for taking another guy, so he might have some issues with wanting to go to a dance of the same theme. However, when Tina later confronts him, he’s pretty much over that. No, he doesn’t want to go with Tina because he really wants to go with Sam, but Sam had already agreed to go with Brittany. Blaine is worried about being seen as a “predatory gay,” and we get some great scenes between Sam/Blaine and Blaine/Tina. Blaine and Tina talk about how Blaine needs some place to put his love after breaking up with Kurt. It’s a really great scene between the two of them and it just reminds me how phenomenal of an actor Darren Criss is. Tina decides that she and Blaine are going to go to the dance together as best friends. He reluctantly agrees.

Brittany decides to take Marley under her wing and encourage her to ask Jake to the dance. She promises to help Marley find her power and then walks away. When Marley asks where she’s going, Brittany says that music normally starts up after she says something like “It’s Brittany, bitch” or does one of her “magical turns.” Sure enough, she turns and suddenly, all the Glee girls are in adorable blue dresses, performing The Exciters’ “Tell Him.” It’s a fun performance and everyone gets really into it. At the end of the song, Marley gets on her knees and asks Jake to the dance. Brittany asks Sam. Neck Brace Cheerio knocks on the window and stares at Ryder.

Kitty corners Jake in the hallway and essentially offers her virginity in exchange for Jake taking her to the dance. She’s apparently over the Celibacy Club thing and has decided to just have sex whenever she wants. Jake decides to go to Puck for advice about what to do. Puck encourages Jake to stay the hell away from Kitty and give things a shot with Marley. Even though it’s basically a “sure thing,” Puck tells Jake it won’t be worth it since he really likes Marley. Later, Puck finds Kitty at school and tells her to stay away from Jake. She says the only way she will do so is if Puck goes to the dance with her instead. This is super creepy because Mark Salling doesn’t look even close to high school age anymore. I just feel like calling Child Protective Services…

So, we finally get to the dance. It basically looks awesome. We get a couple really great performances. The festivities start off with the guys of New Directions performing TLC’s classic “No Scrubs,” and it’s just as awesome as it sounds. They dedicate it to “all the powerful women out there.” It is probably my favorite performance of the episode. Between the big Glee Club performances, we get to see glimpses of the kids just having fun with each other. Marley tells Jake that she really likes him, but she wants to be exclusive and takes things slow. Beiste comes over to the “Too Young to be Bitter” Club and tells them to stop being wallflowers. She gives them a pep talk and gets them out on the floor. Lauren goes up to Joe and asks him to dance. Sugar asks Artie. It’s all kind of adorable. Blaine and Tina are dancing together and just as it seems they’re about to kiss, Sam comes up and steals Blaine away for a “major break in the case.” While Blaine and Sam are away, the ladies of New Directions perform Bruno Mars’ “Locked Out of Heaven,” and it’s pretty much great. Puck and Kitty are actually having a good time together, even though Kitty would like him to stop dancing so spastically. Kitty tells Puck she actually really liked the screenplay Puck wrote, despite all the spelling errors. She proposes that they should relocate to her backseat. We close out the dance with Ryder taking lead on “I Only Have Eyes for You,” which is freaking adorable. Jake and Marley agree to be exclusive with each other. Neck Brace Cheerio continues to watch Ryder. Blaine comes back to Tina and invites her to slow dance with him. Sam and Brittany adorably dance together.

Sam and Blaine are trying to bring Finn in on the steroid conspiracy. They show him pictures of various Warblers from a couple months ago compared to now and try to convince him they are clearly using steroids. Finn still isn’t convinced. They show him a really hilarious video of Evil Warbler Hunter freaking out on some barista about putting Splenda in his latte. They declare this proof of ‘roid rage. Blaine offers up the show choir rule book and highlights the section where it says anyone using steroids is not allowed to compete. The rule is retroactive, so they have to prove that the Warblers were using at Sectionals and their win will be taken away. Finn says this is all great, but it’s just not enough to accuse such a well-respected glee club. He says he needs more proof. At that point, precious Warbler Trent (a.k.a. the round-faced one) comes out and tells Finn the horror stories of steroid use under Hunter’s regime. Blaine assures Trent that he isn’t ruining the Warblers; he’s actually saving them.

Kurt is at NYADA and finding that college is just like high school. Yeah, pretty much. Rachel has pretty much ditched Kurt in favor of her new romance with Brody. Complaints about that can be found below. Anyway, Kurt is trying to find his place in NYADA and looks at various extracurriculars. He sees a flyer for “Adam’s Apples,” which is apparently the NYADA showchoir. It’s run by a super adorable British guy named Adam, so I’m totally in favor of him joining. However, Rachel tries to quash that idea very quickly. Apparently, joining Adam’s Apples is like social suicide. Kind of like joining New Directions was, huh? Anyway, Kurt is still really thinking about joining Adam’s Apples. So, Adam finds Kurt on a staircase (kinda like how Blaine found Kurt at Dalton) and takes him to see a performance of Adam’s Apples. They perform an extremely controversial cover of Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back.” For those who didn’t know, they basically stole this arrangement from Jonathan Coulter, who was not very happy about this. It’s not bad. It’s a pretty atrocious song to begin with, but alas. The best thing about this scene, though, is that Starkid member and Darren Criss’s real-life bestie Joey Richter is one of the Adam’s Apples members. I kind of flipped my shit with joy. In later scenes, we see glimpses of Adam flirting with Kurt. It’s super adorable. I wanted to hate Adam, but he’s just so charming and it’s nice to see someone pursuing Kurt in such a sweet way. Kurt finally asks Adam out for coffee and he says yes.

Rachel and Brody’s relationship is quickly progressing. She even asked him to stay over, without even consulting Kurt. That just seems rude, considering there are no walls in their loft. Rachel continues to blow off Kurt for Brody and encourages him to find someone so that they can go on double dates. Seriously, with every episode, Rachel gets even more annoying and self-centered. Later, Rachel has apparently prepared a romantic dinner of turkey burgers for her and Brody, but he’s late. When he finally shows up 45 minutes later, she is ridiculously pissed. He says the train out there was delayed, but she doesn’t care. He should have tried harder to get to her. You have to be fucking kidding me. She rants about how she’s basically accepting whatever scraps she can get in her personal life. She is also being completely irrational. She asks if he would have been on time if she had told him there was $10 million at the apartment, because she thinks she’s worth more than $10 million. I certainly don’t. She continues to throw their food away as Brody tries to calm her down. If I were him, I would have just walked out at this point. But he’s an idiot and says she’s priceless. He says that if it makes her feel better, it was freezing on the train platform. She bitchily asks if she should feel sorry for him, but he says he didn’t care how cold it was or how long it took because he knew the train was taking him to her. Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. He said he would have waited his whole life if it meant he could spend his last day with her. She doesn’t apologize, but just says she could put the food in the microwave. Brody says the food can wait because he just wants to dance with Rachel. Seriously? Rachel is a terrible human being. I will never understand why people like her. So, Brody volunteers to move out to Bushwick and Rachel invites him to just move in with her and Kurt. She has absolutely zero respect for Kurt as a roommate since she doesn’t even consider asking him. Disgusting.

Next week: Everybody gets naked. Seriously.

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