7:00 Let’s get this party started! Tina Fey and Amy Poehler look amazing. Their relationship is precious. This monologue is fantastic. See, this is what happens when you have hosts who are phenomenal comediennes and talented writers. If you get a chance, look it up on YouTube and enjoy.
7:08 Bradley Cooper and Kate Hudson present Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture. They get straight to it and don’t mess around with any banter. The award goes to Christoph Waltz. He’s so sincere and adorable. Apparently, the Waltz/Tarantino pairing equals awards show gold.
7:11 Dennis Quaid and Kerry Washington come out to present Best Supporting Actress for Television. The Globe goes to Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey. McGonagall!!!!! Sadly, she’s not there.
7:16 Eva Longoria and Don Cheadle come out for the Mr. & Miss Golden Globes introduction. Clint Eastwood’s daughter and Michael J. Fox’s son are doing it this year. Fox’s son is the spitting image of his dad. Longoria & Cheadle then present Best Miniseries or TV Movie to “Game Change,” shocking no one. Let’s talk about Eva Longoria’s dress for just a moment. The slit is so far up her leg that it is almost going up the curve of her ass. Like if she moves her legs too far apart, we’re about to see all up in her business.
7:20 Cheadle and Longoria stick around for Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie. Amy Poehler is in the audience as a joke nominee. Just a subtle joke, but hilarious. Julianne Moore wins for “Game Change” and comes out from backstage to get the award. “Game Change” is going to clean up tonight. Love it.
7:23 Catherine Zeta-Jones comes out to introduce “Les Miserables.” Her dress is absolutely beautiful. A couple clips from the film and it’s phenomenal, of course.
7:28 Tina Fey and Amy Poehler introduce the HFPA president. They tell us that the HFPA picks their president through a Hunger Games-esque process and then play “I Will Survive” as she comes out on stage. Y’all, she looks exactly like Liza Minnelli from the side. She ends her speech by asking Bradley Cooper to call her. Hilarious.
7:30 Rosario Dawson shows the clip package for “Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.” One of the most overrated films, but I love the actors in it.
7:32 Salma Hayek and Paul Rudd come out to present Best Actor in a TV Drama. Damien Lewis wins, of course, because this is still the year of “Homeland.” He starts talking in his British accent. Can he just keep talking, pretty please? Yum. He ends the speech by dedicating it to his mom and he is precious.
7:34 Hayek and Rudd stick around for the Best TV Series – Drama announcement. They pause for an awkward moment. I’m guessing the teleprompter wasn’t working. Shocking absolutely no one, “Homeland” continues its streak of awards. The HFPA loves new, flashy things. They might as well go ahead and hand Claire Danes her award while she’s on stage.
7:42 John Goodman comes out to present the clip package for “Argo.” Onstage with him is the real-life Tony Mendez, also known as the man Ben Affleck played.
7:44 Jennifer Lopez comes out in one of the most hideous dresses of the night. Seriously, J. Lo, just be a nudist if you want to. We get it. Your body is fantastic. Your dress looks like it’s just a bunch of pasties all over your body. Her and Jason Statham present the award for Best Original Score to “Life of Pi.” Cassie points out that Mycahel Danna (the composer) looks exactly like Bill Nye.
7:47 Lopez and Statham stick around to present Best Original Song. In another non-surprise, Adele wins for “Skyfall.” Taylor Swift looks pissed she lost. Adele acts shocked. Apparently, she’s the only one who thought she wouldn’t win. She is apparently there with one of her friends who is also a new mom. She said in their speech they’ve been “pissing themselves laughing all night.” Can Adele win all the awards? I love her speeches.
7:54 Jessica Alba and Kiefer Sutherland come out to present Best Actor in a TV Miniseries or Movie. It’s Tina Fey’s turn to do the fake nominee thing. Just a subtle joke, but done fantastically. Kevin Costner wins for “Hatfields & McCoys.” I really wanted Benedict Cumberbatch for “Sherlock,” but he’ll probably get his after the last season of “Sherlock.” Costner gives what almost sounds like a goodbye speech to acting, or life. Seriously, does he have like a terminal illness or something? Or is he going to just stick to directing from now on?
7:58 Bill Clinton comes out and the crowd loses its shit. Lena Dunham’s reaction is particularly hilarious. Clinton introduces the clip package for “Lincoln.” His will clearly be the longest introduction.
8:00 Amy Poehler comes out and gushes over “Hillary Clinton’s husband.” Tina Fey comes up in her fake nominee costume to freak out about “Bill Rodham Clinton.” They introduce Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, who are also freaking out over Clinton or being on the stage. They present Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical and heavily imply they have no idea who any of the nominees are. “Judi Dench! Where did she come from?” Tommy Lee Jones does not look amused by this introduction, though everyone else is. Jennifer Lawrence wins for “Silver Linings Playbook.” She thanks Harvey for killing whoever he had to kill for getting her on that stage tonight. She thanks her dad and brothers. She better get used to giving these speeches.
8:12 John Krasinski and the adorably pregnant Kristen Bell come out to introduce Best Supporting Actor on TV. The Globe goes to Ed Harris for “Game Change,” continuing its streak. He’s not there, so we zip right on to Jamie Foxx presenting the clip package for “Django Unchained.”
8:14 Jonah Hill and Megan Fox come out to present Best Supporting Actress in a Movie. They have a little banter about Jonah not calling her back. It pretty much falls flat, so they move on quickly. Anne Hathaway wins for “Les Miserables,” once again shocking no one. She starts her speech by quoting Tina Fey. “Blerg.” So much love. She’s come such a long way since “The Princess Diaries.” She says she’ll use her award as a blunt object against self-doubt. She thanks Sally Field in particular for being such an inspiration. She has this speech thing down, which is good because she better get used to it. She’ll be doing it again on February 24th.
8:23 Amanda Seyfried and Robert Pattinson come out to present Best Screenplay. The winner is Quentin Tarantino for “Django Unchained.” Not totally surprising. I think Tarantino will probably win the Oscar. He thanks his actors for having everything go right and he thanks his friends for letting him bounce ideas off them. He thanks them for the “damn surprise.” Tarantino grows on me every time I see him.
8:25 Jeremy Irons comes out to present the clip package for “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.” I’m so glad they’re showing this clip because I can guarantee no one there saw this film. “Salmon Fishing” is this year’s “The Tourist.”
8:27 Lucy Liu and Debra Messing come out to present Best TV Actor in a Comedy or Musical. Their dresses are huge. So help me if Alec Bladwin wins again. Don Cheadle wins for “House of Lies.” I’m not a huge fan of the show, but I have so much love for Don Cheadle. He’s so incredibly down-to-earth and I just adore him.
8:33 Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger come out to present Best Foreign Film because English is a foreign language to both of them. The winner is “Amour,” shocking no one. Nice touch that an Austrian got to give the award to a fellow countryman, though, which Michael Haneke points out.
8:36 Nathan Fillion and Lea Michele come out to present Best Actress in a TV Drama. I bet Lea Michele thought her dress would have the highest slit tonight, but it looks almost Amish compared to Eva Longoria. Shocking absolutely no one, once again, Claire Danes wins for “Homeland.” Fun fact: Danes is apparently 4 for 4 with Golden Globe wins.
8:44 Sacha Baron Cohen comes out, drink in hand. Anne Hathaway is apparently just now getting back to her seat. It seems like Sacha Baron Cohen is trying to take over for Ricky Gervais in the insult category. Totally inappropriate introduction to the Best Animated Film category, considering he only talked about the Les Miserables cast. Ugh. Just ugh. Best Animated Feature goes to “Brave.” I’m pretty shocked. “Frankenweenie” has been getting a lot of these awards, while “Brave” has been largely shut out. I’m not mad, though. Loved this movie so much. One of my favorite Pixars yet.
8:48 Liev Schreiber comes out to introduce the “Life of Pi” clip package. He mentions how people thought the story was unfilmable, which I pretty much had agreed with.
8:50 Jason Bateman carries out Aziz Ansari to introduce Best Actress in a TV Comedy or Musical. Aziz acts like he’s completely high and says the “Downton” cast has some great pot backstage. I love Aziz, but this isn’t necessarily going over very well. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are acting like they’ve been out in the audience. Fey is cuddled up with J. Lo and Poehler is sitting on George Clooney’s lap. Lena Dunham wins for “Girls,” further proving that the Globes love everything new and shiny. She seems like she’s having a lot of trouble walking up to the stage, but she’s absolutely precious. She typed out her speech and it’s just so damn earnest.
8:58 Tina and Amy are back, drinks in hand. They act like they’re completely sloshed, now that they’ve lost their category. Glenn Close acts like she’s drunk…or having a seizure. Tina tells Taylor Swift to stay away from Michael J. Fox’s son. They go on to introduce Robert Downey, Jr. who presents the Cecil B. DeMille Award to Jodie Foster. In his introduction, he says the award says as much about the presenter as it does the recipient. Oh, RDJ. I absolutely adore you. Apparently, Jodie Foster said in a 1974 interview that she wanted a hamster, so RDJ and Mel Gibson teamed up to give her her pick of hamsters. Some of the jokes are falling a little flat, but RDJ is just so funny. And now for the retrospective of Jodie Foster’s work.
9:05 Jodie Foster comes up to accept her award. She jokes about how she’s fifty. I think it’s an SNL reference, but I don’t really get it. She looks great, but the straps on her dress look like duct tape. It’s kind of a bizarre speech, but I really enjoy it. She’s had such an amazing career and talks about her desire for privacy in her personal life. A little preachy, but she does it very eloquently. Her sons are absolutely precious and they keep doing close-ups on them. Seven minutes later and we go to commercial. I’m glad they always let the Cecil B. DeMille winner go on and really get their moment, but it does tend to drag. Her speech was great, though, so it wasn’t as bad as some years.
9:17 Halle Berry comes out to present Best Director. Her dress is another major miss. She’s talking a bit frantically, so I bet they’re starting to run behind. There’s no messing around here. Ben Affleck wins for “Argo.” He looks shocked and the crowd gives him a standing ovation. He’s running out of time. Just when I think he’s about to forget to thank Jennifer, he pulls through.
9:20 Josh Brolin comes out to introduce the clip package for “Moonrise Kingdom.”
9:21 Tina and Amy are back to introduce Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon. Amy still has her drink. They’ve got some great banter that is basically implying that it’s time for Jay to move on and let someone else have a shot. Agreed. They present Best TV Comedy or Musical to “Girls,” continuing the new and shiny trend of the night. Lena seriously can’t walk in those shoes and dress. She looks great, but she’s struggling. Lena gets up there and starts shrieking. This is so endearing. I’m seriously going to have to start watching this show, apparently. That was so precious. I love when people are genuinely excited about winning.
9:29 Christian Bale comes out to introduce the clip package for “Silver Linings Playbook.”
9:31 Jennifer Garner comes out to introduce Best Actor in a Movie Comedy or Musical and quickly thanks Grant Heslov and George Clooney because Ben Affleck forgot to do so when accepting his award. She goes on to present the award to Hugh Jackman for “Les Miserables.” Oh, Hugh. If it weren’t for Daniel Day-Lewis, you would totally be getting an Oscar this year. Apparently, Hugh is just getting over the flu. I guess someone stole the wheels off Hugh’s bike while he was auditioning for “Les Mis,” but Hugh says they’re all good now. Hugh goes on to thank his wife for being the most wonderful woman in the world and asks that she come up on stage later if he forgets to thank anyone.
9:38 Jeremy Renner comes out to introduce the clip package for “Zero Dark Thirty.” They’re so not messing around anymore. They just are getting straight to the point and moving this thing along.
9:40 Dustin Hoffman comes out to introduce Best Picture – Comedy or Musical. He makes a quick reference to his film “Quartet” and moves on. The question of the night: Will it be “Les Mis” or “Silver Linings?” “Les Miserables” pulls off the win and the cast and crew head to the stage. Anne Hathaway apparently forgot to thank her manager and rushes to the microphone to quickly thank her. The producer then goes on to give a very short speech before they cut him off.
9:47 Tina and Amy introduce a presenter who makes “Young George Clooney” look like garbage. It’s “Middle Aged George Clooney.” He quickly congratulates Ben Affleck and goes on to present Best Actress in a Drama to Jessica Chastain for “Zero Dark Thirty.” It’s official. The Best Actress Oscar race is pretty much just Chastain and Lawrence at this point. Sorry to the other three nominees. They’re just filling out the category. Chastain gives such an endearing speech. I kind of adore her. She thanks powerful and fearless women, which makes me love her.
9:50 George Clooney goes on to present Best Actor in a Drama since Meryl Streep is under the weather. In another non-surprise, Daniel Day-Lewis wins for “Lincoln.” Just go ahead and hand him the Oscar now. Unless we find out he likes to punch kittens in his spare time, he’s got this sewn up. He is kind of surprisingly funny and gives a really great acceptance speech.
9:57 Last award of the night. Julia Roberts comes out to present Best Drama. And the winner is…”Argo.” Not surprised it won with the HFPA. It’s a little flashier than the other nominees. It’s going to have a much tougher road with the Oscars, though. Grant Heslov accepts the award and gives a great speech. So happy to see this win. I really loved this film.
10:00 Tina and Amy quickly wrap up. They wish us good night and say they’re going home with Jodie Foster. Really solid show this year. Much better than the Gervais years. I vote Tina and Amy host all the shows now.
Good night, everyone. See you again for the Oscars liveblog on February 24th. There will of course be other posts between now and then, though.