10:00 And so ends one of the most painfully boring Emmy telecasts in recent history. I’ll be back with another liveblog for the Golden Globes. In the meantime, I have a lot of plans for this blog in the upcoming weeks. Check back for more reviews and television rants.
9:55 Jimmy Kimmel introduces Michael J. Fox as “someone nobody likes” and “everybody’s least favorite person.” He proceeds to get a standing ovation. So much love for him. Fox presents Best Comedy Series to Modern Family, capping off the most boring and predictable Emmys in recent history. Bring on the ridiculously scripted acceptance speech we’ve come to expect every year. But it seems like we’re not getting that this year. Steven Levitan gives a heartfelt speech about how amazing it is to work on Modern Family. They start to play him off after about 30 seconds. Dudes, you’re 2 minutes ahead. They literally just turned the lights off on them.
9:54 They’re running a Modern Family commercial right now that basically assumes they’ve already won Best Comedy Series. They’re probably right.
9:51 Brief interruption. In the time I was gone, Game Change won Best Miniseries or Movie and Homeland won Best Drama. I basically could have written that sentence three hours ago and counted on the fact that the Emmys are just that predictable.
9:37 Goodwin and VanCamp stick around for Best Actor in a Miniseries. They’re clearly running short on time because VanCamp is talking in hyperspeed right now. The Emmy goes to Kevin Costner for Hatfields & McCoys.
9:35 Back from commercial, Kimmel points out that Jon Stewart was not in his seat and threw out his award during the commercial. Out come Ginnifer Goodwin and Emily VanCamp (a.k.a. two of my fave actresses on TV right now) to present Best Directing in a Miniseries to Jay Roach for Game Change. Roach thanks HBO for actually being willing to make films about politics.
9:28 Liu and Sutherland stick around for Best Actress in a Miniseries. Julianne Moore wins for Game Change for playing Sarah Palin. Connie Britton is robbed yet again. Moore says she feels validated because Sarah Palin “gave her a big thumbs down.” Don’t get me wrong. I love Julianne Moore, but I want Connie Britton to win all the awards.
9:25 Lucy Liu and Kiefer Sutherland present Best Writing for a Miniseries to Danny Strong (OMIGOD, IT’S DOYLE FROM GILMORE GIRLS!!!!!!!!!) for Game Change. John boos and hisses the fact that Steven Moffatt doesn’t win for Sherlock (even though John is just rooting for him because of the Doctor Who connection).
9:16 Ron Howard comes out to talk about how awesome Andy Griffith was. Now begins the real In Memoriam segment that isn’t mildly disrespectful to the people who passed away this year. I’m looking at you, Kimmel.We lost a lot of good people this year, which we’re reminded of while someone sings “Memories.” Saddest segment ever.
9:13 Kerry Washington comes out in a super sparkly dress to present Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie. Tom Berenger wins for Hatfields & McCoys. I was super confused because I got him and Tom Bergeron confused. They are apparently two very different people. I understand now. He says he wishes the Academy had melted the trophy down into 10 or 11 smaller statues that he could dole out to his co-stars. He then goes on to name way more than 10 or 11 co-stars. They start to slowly play him off and then start the music up even more to get rid of him.
9:12 The Chairman of the Academy comes out with Ellen DeGeneres (who still has no pants after giving them to Jimmy at the beginning of the show). Apparently, the Television Academy does a whole bunch of different stuff other than just rewarding the wrong people every year.
9:05 Steve Buscemi comes out to present Best Supporting Actress in a Miniseries. It’s going to go to Jessica Lange for American Horror Story. She does predictably win, but she’s beyond amazing, so I’m cool with this win. She’s super gracious and I kind of adore her.
9:04 On to the Miniseries categories. I don’t know why they think people are going to stick around for these categories.
9:01 Jimmy Kimmel introduces his parents. He says they always told him he could do anything they set his mind to. He set his mind to winning the Emmy this year and he didn’t. Kimmel asks Security to escort them out for lying to him and says they can feel free to tase them. Oh, Kimmel. Why do people think you’re funny?
8:53 Gervais sticks around to present Best Variety Series, a.k.a. the one that The Daily Show wins every year. The Emmys are nothing if not consistent. The Daily Show wins for the 10th consecutive year. Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert literally pull him back and by the time Jon Stewart gets to the stage, he is ridiculously out of breath. It’s freaking hilarious. Probably funnier than this entire show. Jon Stewart says that when the aliens come to visit and see the box full of Emmys, they’ll know just how fucking predictable these things are. Oh Jon Stewart. Why aren’t you hosting tonight?
8:50 Ricky Gervais comes out with his “disdain for you and everything you stand for.” Oh, why can’t Ricky Gervais be hosting tonight? He is here to give out Best Directing for a Variety Special. As he says, there isn’t even a clip special for these people. Two of them are working tonight. Apparently, something strange just happened. Glenn Weiss wins for directing the Tonys. He’s directing the show tonight, so he’s back in the control room. They had the Emmy there and ready to go for him.
8:46 They show a quick preview of the people who died this year. My wonderful fiance mistook Michael Clarke Duncan for Mike Tyson. I had to explain that Mike Tyson has a giant face tattoo and is still very much alive.
8:42 Aziz Ansari and Jane Levy come out to present Best Writing for a Variety Show. There hasn’t been a presenter yet that I wouldn’t rather see as Emmy host. Aziz Ansari pretends to be British, in order to get people to take his acting more seriously. They both pretend to be British while introducing the nominees. This entire show would be better if everyone were British. The Emmy goes to Louis C.K. Love him, so it’s alright. He threepeats for the night. Nice one.
8:40 On to the Variety category, a.k.a. where The Daily Show rightfully wins all the awards.
8:38 Claire Danes just sent out a holla to Mandy Patinkin and thanked her husband/baby daddy. Did someone dare her to try to be gangsta? Really?
8:36 Kimmel asks if anyone would like to trade an Emmy for a Hot Pocket. I’d like to trade an Emmy host for the upcoming presenters (Jon Hamm and Tina Fey). Tina Fey is pretending like she can’t read the teleprompter. Why can’t she host? Best Lead Actress in a Drama Series goes to Claire Danes, shocking no one. Most boring Emmys ever.
8:31 Can I just say that my Twitter feed is far more entertaining than this entire telecast has been?
8:27 Julianna Margulies comes out to present Best Actor in a Drama. If Jon Hamm doesn’t win, I officially give up. What a shock. Damian Lewis wins for Homeland. Bring on the Homeland sweep. I’m so glad I picked up wine at the grocery store. At least Lewis has a gorgeous British accent. This makes his win so much better.
8:25 Kimmel comes out to present the In Memoriam category. He says it’s a shame they wait until the person is dead, so he wants to honor someone who hasn’t died yet. Josh Groban sings What Makes You Beautiful over a montage of videos of Jimmy Kimmel. Ugh.
8:22 A group of guys drag Tracy Morgan offstage. Out comes Giancarlo Esposito to tell us who won Best Guest Actor & Actress in a Drama Series. It was Jeremy Davies and Martha Plimpton. I’m so confused by Jeremy Davies’ hair. They ask all the Best Director nominees if they’re dramatic. The guy from Boardwalk Empire wins. He’s not even there.
8:18 The announcer reminds us yet again that Jon Hamm has never won an Emmy. I’m crying enough already for these winners tonight, y’all. Don’t make it worse.
8:17 Britton and Panetierre stick around for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. If there was any justice, it would be Christina Hendricks, but they give it to Dame Maggie Smith. I’m okay with McGonagall winning.
8:14 Connie Britton and Hayden Panetierre come out to present Best Writing. They ask all the nominees how they deal with writer’s block. It’s not that funny. Homeland wins, no matter how hard I wished it would be Andre and Maria Jacquemetton for the penultimate episode of Mad Men this year.
8:12 Kimmel asks if everyone is doing alright and says he wants help pulling off a prank on everyone. Sorry, Kimmel. I’m not inclined to help you in any way whatsoever. This is the stupidest waste of time yet. Tracy Morgan is apparently going to just lie on the stage for a while. We were all supposed to tweet that Tracy Morgan just passed out on stage. No.
8:04 Jimmy Kimmel introduces Claire Danes by saying she “has a baby in her.” Ugh, Kimmel. Just go away already. Danes comes out to introduce Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. Aaron Paul wins for Breaking Bad. Look, I loved him when he was on Big Love, but Jared Harris was so freaking fantastic this past year.
8:02 Apparently, they’re going to Drama next. The Miniseries categories aren’t strong enough to keep people around for that last hour. I need to produce this show next year, clearly.
7:58 Seth MacFarlane is here to award Best Reality Show Host. He starts the presentation on the wrong side of the stage. Love those awkward moments. He names off some of the less famous hosts (insert obligatory Brian Dunkleman reference here). Oh lord. Betty White’s in this category? It better go to her, but Tom Bergeron wins for Dancing with the Stars. He says it’s particularly satisfying since Betty White always kicks his ass in their mixed martial arts class. Okay, that was kind of funny.
7:56 Sketch with The Big Bang Theory about how Sheldon fanboys over the accountants who count up the votes. That was the most awesome way to do that segment. Loved it.
7:50 James Van der Beek and Damon Wayans, Jr. come out looking super awesome. They say they’re going to just get straight to the information reality fans care about and they read off the score of the Patriots/Ravens game. Meh. Funny-ish. The Amazing Race wins for Best Reality Show. Again.
7:49 And the show moves on to the reality segment. At least I don’t care about any of these shows.
7:44 Jimmy Kimmel introduces Stephen Colbert to remind us all that he’s funnier that Jimmy Kimmel. Colbert starts talking about the War on Women and says that all women are wonderful (for the most part, except for those that are awful). He says that 5 of the 7 women are just great and the other two are… Julia Louis-Dreyfuss wins for Veep. Amy Poehler rushes up to hug her. This makes me sad because Amy Poehler should have freaking won. JLD starts reading off an acceptance speech that was clearly written for Amy Poehler. I hope I live to see the day that Amy Poehler wins a freaking Emmy already.
7:37 Mindy Kaling and Melissa McCarthy come out to present Lead Actor in a Comedy, reminding us all that there are incredibly funny women out there. Jon Cryer wins for Two and a Half Men. Okay. What the actual fuck, Emmy voters? Jon Cryer voices what we all were thinking when he says that something has clearly gone terribly wrong. I don’t even know why your show is still on, Cryer. As my friend Alyssa said, it was probably a gift for putting up with Charlie Sheen all those years.
7:35 Now for a montage with Aubrey (the little girl playing Lilly on Modern Family) wreaking havoc on the Modern Family set. Apparently, Ken Jeong is going to replace Lilly. Can this girl host next year? And the entire thing was just ruined by Kimmel coming back. Ugh.
7:34 Steve Levitan comes up and says it’s shocking that he won. It really isn’t. He apparently hasn’t paid attention to the Emmys over the past three years. Best line: “With the cast and crew that I have, a complete idiot could direct a great episode.”
7:30 Out walks Matthew Perry to announce the winners for Guest Actor & Actress in a Comedy. In case you missed it the first time around, Kathy Bates and Jimmy Fallon won for Two and a Half Men and SNL, respectively. Now Bates and Fallon are here to award Best Comedy Directing to Steve Levitan for Modern Family. First, they have to ask the nominees what makes a great comedy director. The overwhelming answer is Jews. Funny?
7:22 Jon Cryer and Kat Dennings come out to do the next presentation for Supporting Actress in a Comedy. Dennings is rocking that dress. I can’t stop staring at how fantastic her boobs are. The Emmy goes to Julie Bowen. Apparently, the Emmys are going to be playing it super safe again this year. Boring. Her speech is very focused on nipple covers, weirdly.
7:21 Twenty minutes in and I already want Kimmel to go away. Short skit with Breaking Bad as an Andy Griffith-style show. They just shot Barney Fife. Wow…
7:18 Jimmy Kimmel is back and introduces Jim Parsons and Zooey Deschanel as very white people. But still funnier than you, Jimmy. They joke about how Zooey bases her character on the real-life Jim and Jim bases Sheldon on the real-life Zooey, one of Hollywood’s few theoretical physicist hobbyists. Montage of the Best Writing nominees talking about how their childhood teachers would describe them. Louis C.K. ultimately wins. He’s kind of adorbs, so I’m cool with that.
7:11 Amy Poehler and Louis CK come out to remind everyone they’re funnier than you. Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series goes to Eric Stonestreet. Sad day. Should have gone to Max Greenfield. Really heartfelt acceptance speech that highlights how much he loves Jesse Tyler Ferguson as an on-screen partner. So sweet.
7:09 This montage of Comedy moments is just reminding me of all the stuff that didn’t get nominated that should have. Community, Happy Endings, Glee, sad days.
7:04 Jimmy Kimmel starts his monologue. First Honey Boo Boo reference of the night. Downton Abbey is apparently what it was like to grow up in Mitt Romney’s household. Obligatory picking people out of the audience and making jokes about them. Joke about how Jon Hamm has never won for playing Don Draper and probably won’t win tonight. Overall, not a strong monologue.
7:00 Mindy Kaling, Connie Britton, Martha Plimpton, Kathy Bates, Zooey Deschanel and Christina Hendricks are all in the bathroom getting ready for the show. They hear someone crying hysterically. and walk in on Lena Dunham naked and eating cake. Jimmy Kimmel had a terrible Botox job and some reality show hosts offer to take over for him. A whole bunch of people offer to punch Jimmy Kimmel. I don’t really care for the completely unnecessary violence. Ellen shows up to remind us all who we would rather see host.