7:00 Oh, Ricky Gervais. What on earth are you wearing? “No profanity: that’s fine, I’ve got a huge vocabulary.” It’s really clear that they’ve toned down Ricky Gervais from last year. Though the dig at Justin Bieber was pretty good. “No, he’s not the father. The only way he could impregnate anyone is if he borrowed one of Martha Stewart’s turkey basters.”
7:07 Even Johnny Depp admits he hasn’t seen “The Tourist.” First sneak peek at the Best Motion Picture – Drama nominees is Hugo. This will be fun trying to figure out why certain people are presenting these films. Don’t see the Johnny Depp to Hugo connection yet.
7:08 Gerard Butler and Mila Kunis present Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture. Christopher Plummer wins for “Beginners.” I can always count on the old people for adorable acceptance speeches.
7:12 Ashton Kutcher and Elle MacPherson present Best Actress on TV in Comedy/Musical. Elle’s dress is weird-looking. She’s got weird wing things on her boobs. Amy Poehler thoroughly eyefucks the camera. Laura Dern wins for “Enlightened.” I can’t remember if it’s been canceled, but if it hasn’t, maybe someone will watch this show now…other than the Hollywood Foreign Press apparently. Had no idea Laura Dern’s mom is Diane Ladd. Nice. She gives shoutouts to Lucille Ball and Frank Capra. At least she has awesome inspirations. UPDATE: Enlightened was renewed. Maybe this will get people to watch it?
7:19 Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore introduce Miss Golden Globe. Super awkward pause as the teleprompter freezes and someone brings Julianne Moore a script. Andie MacDowell’s daughter got recruited as this year’s Bring Your Daughter to an Awards Show person. Best Miniseries time. Golden Globe goes to Downton Abbey. Get ready for a sweep for Downton Abbey in the Miniseries categories tonight. People freaking love it. Adorable British people give adorable acceptance speech. We got distracted when our icemaker started working again.
7:23 Rob Low and Julianne Moore come back to present Best Actress in a Miniseries. Kate Winslet wins for Mildred Pierce! This surprises absolutely no one. She didn’t have very steep competition. Sorry, Diane Lane. Kate Winslet is always so dignified and gracious. I’m pretty much in love with her. No lie. Finally starting with the play-off music.
7:26 Frieda Pinto comes out to show a preview of Midnight in Paris. I’m thinking it’s the Oscars that tries to come up with connections to the movie. Golden Globes just gets random people to present the films.
7:27 Okay, I want to watch what happens at the awards during the commercial break, especially as the attendees get progressively drunker. That would be a super entertaining show. Can we make this happen?
7:32 Obligatory message from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association as we pretend to actually care about who brings these awards to us every year. Granted, they do a lot of philanthropic work, but no one will remember that after this speech. Sorry, y’all.
7:33 Jake Gyllenhaal comes out to present a preview for My Week With Marilyn. Rant time: Why on earth is this in the Comedy or Musical category? It’s extremely dramatic and there is almost no music in it! Sometimes, I understand their reasoning, but this makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!
7:34 Ricky Gervais asks for short speeches. “You don’t have to thank members of your family who have done absolutely nothing.” Obligatory atheist dig at God. Melissa McCarthy and Paula Patton come out to present Best Actor in a TV Series – Drama. Paula is wearing a very yellow dress. I can’t decide how I feel about it. Kelsey Grammer wins for Boss. The HFPA loves to pretend like it’s super trendy and Boss is very trendy, but no one watches it.
7:37 McCarthy and Patton stick around to present Best TV Series – Drama. Homeland wins. If Game of Thrones had ended after Homeland, it would have been GoT. The HFPA has such a short-term memory, though, and all anyone can talk about is how good Homeland is. Game of Thrones lost out by ending during the summer. The others didn’t have a shot. Massive cast gets on stage. Pretty sure it’ll take longer for all of them to get up there than they’ll be able to talk. Amy Poehler found something about Les Moonves super funny. Don’t know why this guy thanked Moonves. Does CBS own Showtime?
7:44 Jimmy Fallon and Adam Levine come out and pull their best “moves like Jagger.” Fallon goes on to spaz and act weird. I love Jimmy Fallon, but that was just awkward. They present Best Original Score to Ludovic Bource for The Artist. Be prepared for The Artist to sweep tonight as well. Bource apologizes for being French. He talks about how music is universal. This guy is adorbs.
7:48 Fallon and Levine stick around to present Best Original Song. Thought it would be Glenn Close, but they decided to pick Madonna instead. Oh well, this will be the only win for WE. I still don’t know why Madonna tries to have a really pretentious British accent sometimes. You’re not fooling anyone. Story about how Madonna had to be coerced into writing a song for her movie. None of us buy that. Also, that dress must be cutting off circulation to your boobs.
7:52 Unknown Turkish film person comes out to say hey to her peeps in Turkey. Then she leaves. Well, that was weird.
7:57 Debra Messing and Katharine McPhee come out to pimp their show and talk about how Best Actor in a Miniseries is one of the most prestigious awards ever. Weird. Idris Elba wins for Luther. Adorbs British accent. Super sexy. And he gives a shoutout to his daughter who is having a Golden Globe party. Adorable.
7:59 Brad Pitt comes out to present Ides of March. Want to see this so badly. Ryan Gosling is beautiful. As per us.
8:00 Seth Rogen and Kate Beckinsale come out to present Best Actress in a Movie – Comedy or Musical. Jodie Foster brought her kids. How cute. Michelle Williams wins for the “hysterical comedy” My Week With Marilyn. Thank you, Seth Rogen, for pointing this out to us. Michelle Williams thanks her daughter. She points out that Marilyn Monroe won the same award she just did. She seems so flustered and adorbs. She’s come so far since the days of Dawson’s Creek.
8:08 Sarah Michelle Gellar and Piper Perabo come out to present Best Supporting Actor on TV. Perabo’s dress is hiding some people in it. No joke. That thing is huge. Jesse Tyler Ferguson holds up a sign that says “whatever” over Eric Stonestreet’s shoulder. Peter Dinklage wins, which shocks no one. He talks about how his mom thought Guy Pearce would win in this category instead. He could hide in Piper Perabo’s skirt easily.
8:10 Ricky Gervais talks about how last year’s audience had “a right stick up their ass.” He introduces George Clooney and says if he gets any more popular or handsome, he’ll be hosting the show next year. Clooney stole Brad Pitt’s cane and comes out to present Moneyball.
8:13 Channing Tatum and Jessica Alba come out to present Best Animated Feature Film. The Adventures of Tintin wins, upsetting the streak that Rango has been having in this category. We decide Steven Spielberg probably has a shed devoted to the Golden Globes.
8:20 Ewan McGregor comes out to present a preview for 50/50. He gives a shoutout to Christopher Plummer and says “good job, Pops.”
8:21 Nicole Kidman and Clive Owen (?) come out to present Best Screenplay. Woody Allen wins for Midnight in Paris. Nicole Kidman decides that Woody Allen would want to say thanks.
8:23 Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy come out to present Best Supporting Actress on TV, all in song. Adorbs. Jessica Lange wins for American Horror Story. She was definitely the best actor on that show. Sorry, Jessica Lange, but your dress is super fug. Jessica Lange thanks the people who worked on her show. Producers do a close-up on Meryl Streep, for some inexplicable reason. Lange goes on to call many writers in Hollywood talentless hacks, but she does it in a super classy way.
8:28 So, there’s this one commercial for McDonald’s that can’t decide which dimension it wants to be in and it just switches rapidly between dimensions. I feel it needs a warning for people who are epileptic.
8:30 Ricky Gervais has moved on to wine. He introduces Madonna by saying she’s “just like a virgin.” Madonna then says Ricky should come over and do something about that. Ricky then runs across the back of the stage. Funniest moment of the night so far. Madonna says she grew up watching foreign films and there’s nothing foreign about them to her. I call bullshit on her pretentiousness. Angelina Jolie loses to Iran for “A Separation.” Also, Christian Bale is in the film from China. Iranian guy gives a very touching acceptance speech while another guy stands next to him with his arms crossed and looks super pissed off.
8:34 Aw, Dustin Hoffman! He gives a thank you speech before going on to announce nominations for Best Actress on TV – Drama. Claire Danes wins for Homeland, which shocks absolutely no one. She comes out from the back way for some weird reason. She winks and points at her table. She thanks her parents because she forgot to thank them when she won back in 1995 for My So-Called Life. Her mom is apparently her date. Adorbs. She thanks her gorgeous husband, Hugh Dancy. And here comes the playoff music.
8:38 Accountants come out to strike a pose with the envelope for Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical – TV. Close-up on the female accountant’s boobs. The envelope is front of them, but it’s still awkward.
8:42 Emily Blunt comes out to present the preview for Bridesmaids, the funniest movie of the past year. Apparently, all anyone can talk about is that “women can finally poop their pants.”
8:43 Tina Fey and Jane Lynch come out to present Best Actor on TV in a Comedy/Musical. They have the best banter ever. Matt LeBlanc wins for Episodes. Apparently, the HFPA decides that since Alec Baldwin refuses to show up anymore, they’ll give it to someone else. If only it could have been Johnny Galecki. Alas. Matt LeBlanc is pretty freaking awesome, though.
8:46 Bradley Cooper comes out to present Best Supporting Actress in a Movie. Octavia Spencer wins for The Help. So well-deserved. I may have hated that movie, but she was truly fantastic. Maya Rudolph gives her a standing ovation. Everyone wants to kiss her on the way up. They play the super inspirational song from The Help. Everyone in that room loves her. Seriously. Melissa McCarthy is in tears. Octavia is crying as she quotes MLK. I love when people are legitimately blown away by their wins. She is so flustered and is just absolutely endearing. Fun fact: The Help is at Table 10 tonight.
8:52 Apparently, the Golden Globes are tweeting the winners before they’re announced on TV. Nice one, y’all.
8:54 Reese Witherspoon comes out to present the clip of The Descendants. Y’all, Reese looks super hot tonight. And she’s apparently friends with the director, Alexander Payne.
8:55 Sidney Poitier comes out to present the Cecil B. DeMille Award to Morgan Freeman. Everyone gives him a standing ovation. He begins talking about how kickass Morgan Freeman is and how he becomes every character he plays. Shoutouts to Spencer Tracy, Laurence Olivier, and others. Morgan Freeman looks like he’s about to cry. Poitier says Freeman is a prince in the profession he has chosen. Helen Mirren comes out and says she’s had a couple glasses of wine, but she has a bone to pick with Morgan Freeman because she’s only been in one film with him. It goes on a bit long, but it’s Helen Mirren so we’re okay with it. And here comes the retrospective of films. Damn, this man has been in some amazing movies over time.
9:00 Best part of that retrospective: the clip from Electric Company where he’s bathing in a casket. And according to IMDB, his first role was as an uncredited man on the street in The Pawnbroker in 1964.
9:03 Morgan Freeman comes up and says he absolutely loves Helen Mirren. He said that after working with her on Red and watching her handle a gun, he knows he never wants to piss her off. He also says he will call his award the Sidney Poitier Award. He talks about how he got to make movies with people he admires and that he’s had so much fun. Then he randomly says hey to Elton John. Oh, Morgan Freeman. You’re so fantastic.
9:07 Fun fact: Morgan Freeman’s first credited role was in a 1971 film called “Who Says You Can’t Ride a Rainbow.” He played a character named Afro.
9:10 Robert Downey, Jr. comes out in a tux with tails. He introduces the preview of The Artist.
9:12 Angelina Jolie comes out to introduce Best Director. Martin Scorsese wins for Hugo. Definitely thought it was going to be Michel Hazanavicius. Scorsese gives a shoutout to the HFPA for their work in film preservation. He gives a shoutout to his wife who gave him the book Hugo is based on and encouraged him to make a film his 12-year-old daughter could actually see. Ben Kingsley waves from the back. Scorsese leaves out Chloe Grace Moretz, which makes me sad.
9:15 Ricky Gervais is back with another glass of wine. He introduces Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas. They bleep Ricky Gervais and then Antonio Banderas starts yelling in Spanish. If he’s saying something bad, the censors don’t know it. They go on to give Best TV Comedy to Modern Family. The kids all run up from the back. Sofia Vergara starts yelling in Spanish. She’s either really silly or she is absolutely smashed right now. Best acceptance speech ever. Sofia Vergara gives the actual acceptance speech in Spanish and Steven Levitan (I think) translates it, but turns it into a speech about how the writers are the best lovers Sofia has had and all film actresses need to give them their numbers. Freaking awesome.
9:23 Michelle Pfeiffer comes out. Her face does not look real anymore. She goes on to show the preview for War Horse.
9:24 What is Jessica Biel wearing and why does she have three boobs all of a sudden? Her and Mark Wahlberg present Best Actor in a Movie – Comedy/Musical to Jean Dujardin for The Artist. Dujardin mentions that he is French, too. Nice callback to Ludovic Bource’s speech earlier. Dujardin tells how he was told that he would never do movies because his face is too expressive. Apparently, his eyebrows think independently. That man is freaking adorable.
9:31 Queen Latifah (from “Joyful Noise,” which she has to pretend is a good movie right now) comes out to introduce The Help.
9:33 Ricky Gervais has ditched his ugly jacket. He introduces Colin Firth and acts super jealous of him. According to Gervais, Colin Firth is super racist and has punched a blind kitten. Firth makes a dig back at Gervais and goes on to introduce the nominees for Best Actress – Drama. Meryl Streep wins for The Iron Lady. Everyone gives her a standing ovation. She acts like she’s surprised to win and says she only got to play Margaret Thatcher after Ricky Gervais’s deal fell through. They bleep Meryl Streep. Pretty sure that’s not allowed. Someone is passing her glasses up from the back. And Meryl is just naming off random actresses now. Meryl just called Harvey Weinstein God. She’ll probably get some crap for that tomorrow. They start to play her off, but she says no and they stop for a second. That’s how famous Meryl Streep is, y’all.
9:39 Jane Fonda comes out to present Best Movie – Comedy/Musical. In a move that surprises absolutely no one, The Artist wins. Even the dog is there! People get distracted from the producer’s speech by the dog’s adorableness. Also, Jean Dujardin’s wife is totally recording the entire ceremony on her cameraphone. So adorbs. The dog is totally begging for a treat. So cute. Another producer tries to say something, but they are actually pulling the mic back into the stage. Damn.
9:47 Ricky Gervais introduces Natalie Portman and talks about putting her family first this year led her to not be nominated for anything. She presents Best Actor in a Drama to George Clooney for The Descendants. Where the fuck is Ryan Gosling? Why isn’t he there? I want to see his beautiful, feminist-loving face and body in a tux tonight. George Clooney is his standard, adorable self.
9:54 Harrison Ford comes out to present Best Picture – Drama. They barely even show his face before they start showing the nominees. The Descendants wins. One of the producers comes up and says they’ve been told to hurry, so they rush through the acceptance speech as much as possible. Alexander Payne starts talking. Play-off music starts up.
9:57 Ricky Gervais comes back to close out the show. Perfect summary of the evening, “I hope you’ve enjoyed your goodie bags, the champagne, the gold. I hope it took your mind off the recession.” They end with a close-up of the crystal chandelier. Nice.
9:59 Final score. 15 for 25. Was hoping for closer to 70 or 75%, but at least I finished above 50%. Hope y’all haven’t been too bored by my ramblings. See ya for the Oscars.