7:00: Leonard Nimoy is the president of television. Apparently, all TV people live together. Jane Lynch wants to sing about the magic of television. Jeremy Piven and some people from Entourage come and sing with her. Kevin Nealon and Eric Dane make appearance. Big Bang Theory sketch with Sheldon being Sheldon. Jane Lynch loves the laugh track. Marcel and the Mythbusters. Dancing with the Stars sketch. Parks and Recreation sketch with Nick Offerman. Mad Men part of the sketch. Friday Night Lights part with Vince, Matt, and LANDRY!!!!! Jane Lynch defeats Sue Sylvester with her optimism. Okay, that was freaking awesome. I love that they’re letting Jane Lynch be herself of keeping her in character. Her optimism is infectious.
7:10 Chuck, Robin from How I Met Your Mother, Taraji P. Henson, Meredith from The Office, Wilmer Valderrama, and Joel McHale form The Emmytones. This could be really entertaining or get old really fast.
7:11 Comedy opening segment. They include Community, Happy Endings, and Cougar Town, clearly to rub it in that these awesome shows aren’t nominated.
7:12 Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon come out and banter about whether or not Fallon wrote an acceptance speech. This ends with them wrestling and Kimmel finding Fallon’s acceptance speech. Apparently, someone also lost a cufflink, according to Cassie. They then present Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series to Julie Bowen for Modern Family! Hells yes! Bowen apparently has a degree in Italian Renaissance studies. Bowen looks absolutely amazing and she’s so adorably flustered right now. She thanks both of her husbands (Ty Burrell and her actual husband). It’s her real-life wedding anniversary. That was adorable.
7:17 Julianna Margulies comes out to present Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy. Some of her jokes fall a bit flat. Ty Burrell wins and I flip out. He’s much less flustered than his on-screen wife. Equally endearing, however. I love when these speeches are sincere, but still hilarious. He role-plays a very adorable conversation with his dead father.
7:26 Jane Lynch talks about how it hurts to lose and if she weren’t hosting, she’d be home by now eating a tub of turkey meatballs. Ricky Gervais does a satellite sketch about how he’s not allowed to come to the USA and host award shows.
7:28 Jane Lynch snarks about Ricky Gervais and then presents Outstanding Directing to one of the guys for Modern Family’s Halloween episode.
7:30 Will Arnett and Zooey Deschanel come out to present Outstanding Writing. Zooey Deschanel is absolutely adorable and I want her dress. Will Arnett does a really lame joke. Modern Family wins again for the episode where the kids catch Phil and Claire having sex. Very funny episode. Well deserved.
7:34 There is apparently a writer for Modern Family named Abraham Higginbotham. He was clearly born to be a comedy writer.
7:40 Jane Lynch snarks about how she used to be Charlie Sheen’s therapist and did a terrible job. Charlie Sheen then comes out to present Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. Everybody waits for something bad to happen. He’s actually really nice and wishes the cast of Two and a Half Men good luck. That, kids, was a lesson in damage control. Then, in a stunning upset, Jim Parsons beats Steve Carell. He’s so adorable.
7:44 Sofia Vergara and Rob Lowe come out to present Best Lead Actress in a Comedy. All of the nominees come up on stage and join hands as their names are called. They’re totally acting like it’s the Miss USA pageant and it’s hilarious. Tina Fey pretends to kiss Kenneth. The crowd gives them a standing ovation. Melissa McCarthy wins and she looks absolutely stunned. They give her a crown and a bouquet of roses and everything. I love when they’re genuinely shocked. This is so endearing.
7:55 Pre-filmed skit where different TV characters join The Office. It’s funny at times. The Emmytones introduce Reality/Variety. This is where I stop caring for a little while.
8:00 Jane Lynch’s dress has pockets. Every dress must have pockets, in my opinion. Jane Lynch makes a joke about her “gay agenda.” It falls a little bit flat, but I appreciate the intent behind it.
8:01 Kaley Cuoco and David Spade present the award for Best Reality Competition to The Amazing Race. Again. Boring.
8:04 They also present Best Writing for a Variety Show to The Daily Show. So extremely well-deserved. And there are so many freaking writers. They’re all adorable, though.
8:12 Jane Lynch has a really awkward bit about what they do when the Emmys go to commercial. Then The Lonely Island and Michael Bolton come out to perform. Ed Helms, Maya Rudolph, and John Stamos perform “Motherfreaker.” The Lonely Island gives William H. Macy a lapdance. Akon sings “I Just Had Sex” in front of a giant American flag. That was awesome.
8:16 Lea Michele and Ian Somerhalder come out and state that nothing they say now will be funny. Truest statement of the night. They present Outstanding Directing for a Variety Show to Saturday Night Live for the Justin Timberlake episode. I’d rather it have gone to The Daily Show, but oh well.
8:18 Scott Caan and Anna Paquin come out to present Outstanding Variety Show. They joke about how The Daily Show wins every year. Either Scott Caan is really short or Anna Paquin is taller than I thought. The award goes to The Daily Show, surprising absolutely no one. Nine straight years. Jimmy Fallon pretends to look pissed. Jon Stewart holds up the Emmy like it’s Simba. Jon Stewart thanks The Lonely Island because he now has a lot of explaining to do to his children. It’s awkward, but adorable. Just like Jon Stewart.
8:26 The Emmytones introduce the drama categories. Friday Night Lights starts off the montage, which is set to “Set Fire to the Rain.” Prepare for virtual tears if FNL does win. I’m serious.
8:28 Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher come out together to present Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series. Ashton Kutcher is seriously rocking the homeless chic look and jokes about how he’s not Charlie Sheen. Jason Katims wins for Friday Night Lights and I’m already tearing up.
8:31 Cryer and Kutcher stick around to present Outstanding Supporting Actress for a Drama Series to Margo Martindale for Justified. I really know very little about Justified, so I can’t really determine if it’s well-deserved or not. She trips up the stairs on her way to the stage and I think Ed O’Neill rushes up to help her. She’s so excited about this and I’m so excited for her.
8:40 Loretta Devine and Paul McCrane (winners for Best Guest Actors in a Drama Series) come out to present Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series. There is no way anyone can beat Scorsese in this category. It’s a joke that anyone is even nominated against him. He’s freaking Martin Scorsese for crying out loud. Though the pilot of Boardwalk Empire really was exquisite.
8:43 Kerry Washington and Jason O’Mara come out to present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. Kerry Washington looks fantastic. Jason O’Mara has a sexy accent. They joke about side effects of winning and it sounds exactly like a commercial for ED medication. Kinda lame. Peter Dinklage wins for Game of Thrones. This shocks no one. I’m glad they lowered the mic before he got to the stage because it would have been super awkward otherwise.
8:51 Really lame pre-taped Anderson Cooper 360 sketch where Jane Lynch plays a mob boss who is responsible for making sure the setting of every TV show is Jersey.
8:53 Bryan Cranston and Katie Holmes come out to present Outstanding Lead Actress. Julianna Margulies wins. Total bullshit. Also, I hate her dress even more every time I see it. Gah.
8:56 Drew Barrymore comes out with the new Charlie’s Angels. Lame banter about legacies and passing the torch. Kyle Chandler wins and I cry. Minka Kelly gives him the award and a huge hug. He remembers to thank Connie after the cameras cut away.
9:07 Best line of the night from Jane Lynch. “A lot of people are curious why I’m a Lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Entourage.” They present Outstanding Writing in a Miniseries/Movie to Downton Abbey. Haven’t seen any of these. Don’t care.
9:11 Entourage sticks around to present Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries to Maggie Smith. Yay Professor McGonagall!
9:17 Jane Lynch and Paula Abdul come out and pretend to be the Ernst & Young accountants. They introduce Amy Poehler and Melissa McCarthy who present Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries. They talk about how the men have to be willing to show some skin because that’s what keeps us coming back for more. Barry Pepper wins for The Kennedys. He didn’t show up.
9:20 Poehler and McCarthy stick around to present Outstanding Directing for Miniseries/Movie. The winner is Downton Abbey. Kind of really surprised that Mildred Pierece has been shut out so far.
9:22 Time for the sad In Memoriam segment. Random guys sing “Hallelujah.” A lot of really awesome people died this year. Peter Falk. Elizabeth Taylor. Julie Andrews’ husband. June Cleaver. And now we cry. I’m really glad that we can’t really hear any applause until the end. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people try to rate the “applause meter” on celebrities who have died.
9:32 Apparently, it was the Canadian Tenors who were singing. Way to introduce them before. Anna Torv (YAY) and David Boreanaz (blech) present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries to Guy Pearce for Mildred Pierce. Lame joke about how Guy Pearce isn’t related to Mildred Pierce. These voiceovers seem to be getting worse as the night goes on.
9:36 Hugh Laurie and Claire Danes present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries. They joke about how Helen Mirren always wins this and that she’s the favorite to win, even though she’s not nominated. The winner is KATE FREAKING WINSLET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s so adorable. All the time. And she’s so excited about this. I love her so much.
9:44 Don Cheadle comes out to present Outstanding Miniseries/Movie to Downton Abbey. Pretty surprised. Thought it would be Mildred Pierce.
9:46 Maria Bello and William H. Macy come out to present Outstanding Drama Series. Macy’s weird scarf thing looks terrible. So, Mad Men wins again for a sub-par season and now, Friday Night Lights will never win. Fuck you, Emmys.
9:54 Jane Lynch comes out for the last time to introduce Gwyneth Paltrow, who presents Outstanding Comedy Series. Her dress is truly terrible. She’s apparently going to wing it because the prompter is down. Thankfully, she didn’t try to be funny. Modern Family wins. If Parks and Rec couldn’t win, then I’m glad MF did. I’m just glad it wasn’t The Office or 30 Rock because their seasons were sub-par at best. The creator makes the point to identify the kids on the show, who really are fantastic. He talks about how shows like Modern Family are working to make people more tolerant of homosexuality. This is a really good acceptance speech. I like it.
9:58 Jane Lynch comes back to close out the show. Overall, there were a lot of really surprising wins which were very well-deserved. I’m just incredibly devastated at the loss for Friday Night Lights. It deserved that win so incredibly much.