So, here’s the thing. If you have been reading my blog for very long, you know that I reviewed Sons of Anarchy when season 2 came out on DVD last year. I pretty much hated it then. I haven’t watched any episodes since then and I have only a vague understanding of what happened last season. Pretty much, I’m going into this season premiere cold. I probably won’t know character names, so I will most likely rename them. I’m doing my best to go into this with an open mind, though, so we’ll see what happens.
Previously on Sons of Anarchy: Hopefully, someone else knows, because they didn’t tell us anything tonight.
Some guy named Teller (?) is apparently in prison. I think he has kids, though, because this woman looks really sad about something and she was shown directly after the guy in prison.
Ron Perlman is also in prison. Katey Sagal is taking care of his baby. So far, what I’m getting is that all of the men are in jail and all the women are taking care of their kids. And apparently, all of these guys had the exact same sentence because they’re all getting out on the exact same day, except for Mr. Eyepatch who appears to be in hardcore solitary confinement. He’s not long for this world, though, because someone put a razor blade in his hardboiled egg. Pretty sure that violates some sort of health code.
And now, they ride while giving a middle finger salute to prison. As anyone would do. Totally called it. Mr. Eyepatch is now dead. And apparently the bikers’ homes are gone thanks to Oswald Construction. These guys look pissed. Ron Perlman even took off his sunglasses in anger and then put them back on with an air of frustration.
The cops have apparently gotten wind that the bikers are back in town. Cue witty banter between them and the sheriffs. I’m guessing he’s the new villain for this season? Lieutenant Roosevelt has come to enforce their new dress code. I feel he probably has bigger things to worry about than what colors the bikers are wearing, but maybe it’s a slow time for him.
Some guy on oxygen came to warn Sad Girl from the beginning scene that history doesn’t change. He works in a garage. I feel like it’s probably unsafe because surely, there are flames in the garage and he might explode. However, all the men have returned to the garage. I’m guessing this is their cover business? Maybe it’s a legit business? Aw, one guy is proposing to someone! I think. Or Katey Sagal just slipped him some drugs. Can’t really tell. Aw, he’s proposing to Sad Girl. Then she won’t be sad, maybe?
Some guy in a leather jacket who was on a bike before and was smoking is apparently an attorney. He’s probably supposed to be an edgy character. I’m guessing some sort of moral gray area. Now, the mayor is there to make sure Lt. Roosevelt knows he has to keep Ron Perlman in line. I’m guessing that won’t go so well.
The bikers are all applauding someone for keeping them together. Ron Perlman has resumed his spot as the head of the company. They all seem concerned about Oswald Construction. I don’t understand Ron Perlman’s accent. He talks like a Jersey gangster would, but it’s not the exact same. Some of these guys are apparently Irish. They’re worried about Lt. Roosevelt. Yep, definitely villain of the season. One guy with a long beard is apparently getting married and wants good wedding presents. The nerdiest biker I’ve ever seen was standing guard. He’s obviously the tech guy, because he’s about as intimidating as anyone named Oswald, meaning not at all.
Lt. Roosevelt is following the bikers, especially Ron Perlman. Seriously, is there no other crime in this town? Now, the bikers are kicking the sheriff’s car and they just ran some poor tow truck off the road. What did the tow truck ever do to them? That wasn’t cool. And now Lt. Roosevelt said he wants the bikers to die. That wasn’t very nice.
The random lawyer is also apparently paranoid. As he puts it, he has “trust issues.” He is also apparently obsessed with the bikers. He even has a whole wall of everyone possibly ever involved with the gang. And somehow, the Russians are also involved. The lawyer seems to know everything about Belfast, the Russians, and Jimmy O’Fallon. Ooh, the lawyer has an agent working with the Russians. I’m guessing that by the seventh or eighth episode of the season, that agent will die some horrific death. The lawyer kind of has crazy eyes. I’m predicting he’ll go batshit crazy by the end of the season. And now Lt. Roosevelt is on track to help take down the Sons of Anarchy and the IRA.
Cut to the bikers in the Russian strip club. The agent is in there, too. Yep, he’ll definitely die by the end of the season. The Russians and the bikers are apparently having a party tonight. Somehow, I don’t think there will be a piñata or cake. Probably just illegal weapons. That sounds like a lame party.
Katey Sagal wants to see some guy in a metal trailer. Apparently, Wade? Or Weed? I can’t really tell. Well, WadeWeed is kind of a slob. Katey Sagal isn’t happy about this. From the way he’s acting, I think WadeWeed has some sort of dementia or other memory-loss illness. He’s not taking his meds. Katey Sagal isn’t happy about that, either. Also, WadeWeed looks like a much older version of Paul Giamatti. WadeWeed broke up with someone named Dallas. Apparently, Ron Perlman won’t approve. And now WadeWeed is crying while Katey Sagal gives him a baggie with something to help his plants.
The bikers are all chilling by the side of the road. I’m guessing their hands are restrained somehow because they all have their hands behind their back. And I was wrong earlier. It wasn’t Lt. Roosevelt who tried to run them off the road. Some other deputy did. Lt. Roosevelt wasn’t happy about that.
Sad Girl is apparently trying to morph into Katey Sagal because she looks exactly like her. And now, she’s having sex with Katey Sagal’s son. That just seems weird and slightly Oedipus-like.
It’s evidently the sex part of the episode, as Ron Perlman and Katey Sagal just reunited in bed. Katey Sagal doesn’t want Ron Perlman to go back to prison. She’s worried about the Russians. Ron Perlman doesn’t think she has anything to worry about and tells her they’ll be rich soon enough. Ron Perlman seems to be sick, but he doesn’t want surgery because he’ll have to step down from leading the gang. So, he’d rather die and then have to let someone else lead anyway? That seems silly. And someone named Unser (?) apparently gave a lot for the gang. Katey Sagal wants Ron Perlman to go see him.
Sad Girl redecorated Katey Sagal’s Son’s house. He teases her about it. She wants to talk about their kids. Then the kid starts crying.
Guy who’s getting married is much taller than his bride. Like, it seems hard to get them in the same frame. It’s a little awkward. Groom seems nervous and Bride tries to reassure him. She seems unsure about something.
Katey Sagal’s Son has a really cute kid. The kid also has a ring for his mom. It’s not the greatest proposal ever, but it seems sweet. Sad Girl seems a little bit uncertain, though. She doesn’t want to change Katey Sagal’s Son, but she doesn’t know if she can handle his lifestyle. Katey Sagal’s Son wants out of the gang, but Sad Girl is skeptical. Katey Sagal’s Son doesn’t think the bond of brotherhood is still there. He doesn’t want to be a part of the beer or greed. Now, I’m super confused because the way Katey Sagal’s Son is talking, it doesn’t sound like he’s actually Katey Sagal’s Son. Maybe a nephew or something? Katey Sagal’s Mysterious Male Family Member doesn’t think he has any skills and is too much of a chauvinistic pig to let his wife support him. Ugh. Katey Sagal’s MMFM thinks Ron Perlman is eventually going to lose power and that Katey Sagal is just an old woman (ouch). When Ron Perlman loses power, he and Sad Girl are going to leave.
Ron Perlman’s come to see WadeWeed. They seem happy to see each other. They talk a little about the new housing development and the new sheriff (with only a couple of vaguely racist things to say). Apparently, WadeWeed has cancer. Ron Perlman needs his help to stop the new development by “letting nature take its course.” Yeah, someone’s gonna die. My money’s on Oswald. Ron Perlman needs some trucks for “wedding shit.”
Apparently, Mr. Eyepatch was not successful in his suicide attempt. He seems frustrated in a defeated sort of way. Some prison guard seems like he’s giving Mr. Eyepatch another way out. This prison guard seems very supportive of Mr. Eyepatch’s quest to die.
And now for a biker wedding. The sheriffs are there to stake something out. Apparently, the wedding is just an excuse to trade some illegal arms. And seriously, the bride’s train is like twice the length of her dress. The garter is lower on her leg than the dress goes. That’s just trashy. And the groom is wearing a leather vest and a long-sleeve shirt. I’m all for casual, but this seems ridiculous. The groom seriously looks like he’s wearing brass knuckles. Unless the reception is a Fight Club theme, that’s just unnecessary. He also vows to treat his new wife “as good as his leather and ride her like his Harley.” Charming.
Some of the guys sneak away from the reception in order to unload their truck of illegal arms. Katey Sagal dances with WadeWeed. Russian guy gives the groom a “copkiller.” He proclaims it the best wedding present ever. Ron Perlman is also excited by it. The bride is pretty much wasted. The other guys make fun of the groom because he dances with his bride at their wedding reception. Yeah, that seems like cause for making fun of a newly married guy.
The other guys play with the new guns while “What a Wonderful World” plays in the background. Mr. Eyepatch gets out of bed and kills the other guy in the infirmary by digging a knife into his ear. I think I just threw up a little bit. That was disgusting. And now, the bikers massacre the Russians. I’m pretty sure the agent went down with them. Ron Perlman joins in on killing a couple of the guys. We watch one guy violently stab one the head Russian. And again, I throw up a little bit. It might have been Katey Sagal’s MMFM doing the stabbing. All the bikers kind of look the same to me. Katey Sagal finds some letter to Jackson. She seems troubled. The bikers throw away the bodies and then sit around smoking cigars and drinking beer. All while people continue dancing to “What a Wonderful World.” Wow.
Oh, and they dropped the dead bodies at the new development property.
Overall, I didn’t hate the show as much as I did when I watched it last. I still find it vile because of all the violence. I can understand why people want to watch it, but it’s just so not my cup of tea. I got much more excited for the commercials for “American Horror Story.”