The Secret Circle

Here is the main thing I have learned from supernatural TV shows. I clearly need to move to a small town if I ever want to meet a vampire, witch, or werewolf.

The Secret Circle is yet another supernatural teen drama, which seems to be what The CW now specializes in. Its premiere held 100% of The Vampire Diaries’ viewership, which is basically unheard of.

Here’s the gist of the show: Cassie Blake (Britt Robertson of Life Unexpected) is a 16-year-old girl who has to move in with her grandmother (Ashley Crow, a.k.a. Claire’s mom on Heroes) in a small town in Washington. Cassie’s mom just died in a house explosion and Cassie is devastated. When she moves to Chance Harbor, everyone knows who she is and is very excited to meet her. It’s almost reminiscent of Twilight when everyone is instantly in love with Bella Swan. Except Cassie isn’t quite as boring of a character. She’s got more spunk.

So, there are five teenagers in particular we meet in the first episode. There’s Nick, the creepy guy who lives next door to Cassie and somehow opens her curtains even after she shut them. Diana, the nice girl who instantly wants to be Cassie’s bestie. Adam, the potential love interest for Cassie, but feels conflicted because he’s dating Diana. Faye, who is described as the “resident bad girl.” This is made even more clear when she walks in slow motion while “bad girl music” plays. It’s as cheesy as it sounds. And Phoebe, who is given little to do except be Faye’s lackey.

Then there are the adults. Cassie’s grandma, of course, seems like the traditional, awesome grandmother typically portrayed on these shows. Faye’s mother is the school principal and seems to be drastically different from her bad-girl daughter. In the last scenes, however, it becomes apparent that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Diana’s dad is super creepy and it’s basically shown that he killed Cassie’s mom. Then there’s Adam’s dad, who owns the Boathouse (the hang-out spot in Chance Harbor) and is a drunk who likes to talk a lot about fate. He also tells Cassie that he loved her mom and that he thinks her and Adam are destined to be together.

Those are all the major characters. Now, on to the plot.

The show opens with Cassie getting a flat tire and talking to her mom on the phone. After she hangs up the phone, Cassie’s house mysteriously bursts into flames and her mother dies in the fire. Cut to Cassie moving in with her grandma. When she starts school the next day, everyone seems to know who she is and wants to tell her how pretty she is. Seriously, nearly every character mentions it. Mysterious things seem to happen, like Cassie’s combination lock mysteriously opening and her curtains coming open after she shuts them.

After her first day of school, Diana invites her to the Boathouse. Faye corners Cassie and she decides she wants to leave. As Cassie is trying to get her car to start, the engine starts smoking and then bursts into flames. She also can’t get the door unlocked. Adam comes out to try to save her as Faye and Phoebe watch. Clearly, it’s implied that Faye is the one trapping her in the car. Cassie eventually gets the door unlocked and the fire goes out. Later, Diana confronts Faye and says they need to be careful about their power.

Yep, all the teenagers we’ve been introduced to are practicing witchcraft and they’ve been waiting for Cassie to complete their “circle.” Now that Cassie is there, they are more powerful than ever. They tell Cassie about her abilities and naturally, she doesn’t believe them. Later, Adam finds her in the woods and they make drops of water levitate. They also almost kiss. It’s supposed to be super romantic, but is mainly really cheesy. Now that their circle is complete, however, the six teens are much more powerful. Faye, especially, is thrilled by this. She goes for a walk one night, making light bulbs go out and starting massive thunderstorms. Quickly, the storm gets out of control and is only stopped when Cassie helps her.

Cassie’s grandmother believes the children might be practicing again and goes to Faye’s mom, the principal. Faye’s mom assures her that she doesn’t think the kids are practicing and she would know since she’s around them all day. Cassie’s grandmother doesn’t seem to be entirely reassured, but lets it go. Apparently, something terrible happened 16 years ago when all the current teens’ parents were practicing witchcraft. Each of the current generation of teens lost a parent in the accident. Cassie’s dad, Adam’s mom, Faye’s dad, Diana’s mom, and no one really cares about the other two yet. By the end of the show, though, it becomes clear that Faye’s mom does in fact know about the practicing and is in cahoots with Diana’s evil father to encourage it. Diana’s evil father confronts Adam’s awesome drunk dad and basically uses his power to pretend drown him as a warning that he needs to stop talking to Cassie. It’s very evil and cheesy.

The show is created by Kevin Williamson (of Dawson’s Creek and The Vampire Diaries fame) and is very reminiscent of his other shows. It is a very cheesy teen drama like Dawson’s Creek with the supernatural elements of The Vampire Diaries. It isn’t the worst show I’ve ever seen. Britt Robertson is spunky and adorable as Cassie. Some of the other teens aren’t completely boring. Ashley Crow is her usual kickass self. The biggest problem is that it takes itself too seriously. The music, in particular, makes many of the plot points very heavy-handed. Every time we see Diana’s dad, the music gets super ominous. It’s just a little bit over the top. Many pilots tend to be this way, though, because they have to set up so many things. I’m willing to give it the benefit of the doubt because I do see some potential here. If it weren’t in such a crowded timeslot (against Person of Interest, The Office, Grey’s Anatomy, and Bones), it would most likely be on my fall schedule.


Emmys Liveblog

7:00: Leonard Nimoy is the president of television. Apparently, all TV people live together. Jane Lynch wants to sing about the magic of television. Jeremy Piven and some people from Entourage come and sing with her. Kevin Nealon and Eric Dane make appearance. Big Bang Theory sketch with Sheldon being Sheldon. Jane Lynch loves the laugh track. Marcel and the Mythbusters. Dancing with the Stars sketch. Parks and Recreation sketch with Nick Offerman. Mad Men part of the sketch. Friday Night Lights part with Vince, Matt, and LANDRY!!!!! Jane Lynch defeats Sue Sylvester with her optimism. Okay, that was freaking awesome. I love that they’re letting Jane Lynch be herself of keeping her in character. Her optimism is infectious.

7:10 Chuck, Robin from How I Met Your Mother, Taraji P. Henson, Meredith from The Office, Wilmer Valderrama, and Joel McHale form The Emmytones. This could be really entertaining or get old really fast.

7:11 Comedy opening segment. They include Community, Happy Endings, and Cougar Town, clearly to rub it in that these awesome shows aren’t nominated.

7:12 Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon come out and banter about whether or not Fallon wrote an acceptance speech. This ends with them wrestling and Kimmel finding Fallon’s acceptance speech. Apparently, someone also lost a cufflink, according to Cassie. They then present Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series to Julie Bowen for Modern Family! Hells yes! Bowen apparently has a degree in Italian Renaissance studies. Bowen looks absolutely amazing and she’s so adorably flustered right now. She thanks both of her husbands (Ty Burrell and her actual husband). It’s her real-life wedding anniversary. That was adorable.

7:17 Julianna Margulies comes out to present Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy. Some of her jokes fall a bit flat. Ty Burrell wins and I flip out. He’s much less flustered than his on-screen wife. Equally endearing, however. I love when these speeches are sincere, but still hilarious. He role-plays a very adorable conversation with his dead father.

7:26 Jane Lynch talks about how it hurts to lose and if she weren’t hosting, she’d be home by now eating a tub of turkey meatballs. Ricky Gervais does a satellite sketch about how he’s not allowed to come to the USA and host award shows.

7:28 Jane Lynch snarks about Ricky Gervais and then presents Outstanding Directing to one of the guys for Modern Family’s Halloween episode.

7:30 Will Arnett and Zooey Deschanel come out to present Outstanding Writing. Zooey Deschanel is absolutely adorable and I want her dress. Will Arnett does a really lame joke. Modern Family wins again for the episode where the kids catch Phil and Claire having sex. Very funny episode. Well deserved.

7:34 There is apparently a writer for Modern Family named Abraham Higginbotham. He was clearly born to be a comedy writer.

7:40 Jane Lynch snarks about how she used to be Charlie Sheen’s therapist and did a terrible job. Charlie Sheen then comes out to present Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. Everybody waits for something bad to happen. He’s actually really nice and wishes the cast of Two and a Half Men good luck. That, kids, was a lesson in damage control. Then, in a stunning upset, Jim Parsons beats Steve Carell. He’s so adorable.

7:44 Sofia Vergara and Rob Lowe come out to present Best Lead Actress in a Comedy. All of the nominees come up on stage and join hands as their names are called. They’re totally acting like it’s the Miss USA pageant and it’s hilarious. Tina Fey pretends to kiss Kenneth. The crowd gives them a standing ovation. Melissa McCarthy wins and she looks absolutely stunned. They give her a crown and a bouquet of roses and everything. I love when they’re genuinely shocked. This is so endearing.

7:55 Pre-filmed skit where different TV characters join The Office. It’s funny at times. The Emmytones introduce Reality/Variety. This is where I stop caring for a little while.

8:00 Jane Lynch’s dress has pockets. Every dress must have pockets, in my opinion. Jane Lynch makes a joke about her “gay agenda.” It falls a little bit flat, but I appreciate the intent behind it.

8:01 Kaley Cuoco and David Spade present the award for Best Reality Competition to The Amazing Race. Again. Boring.

8:04 They also present Best Writing for a Variety Show to The Daily Show. So extremely well-deserved. And there are so many freaking writers. They’re all adorable, though.

8:12 Jane Lynch has a really awkward bit about what they do when the Emmys go to commercial. Then The Lonely Island and Michael Bolton come out to perform. Ed Helms, Maya Rudolph, and John Stamos perform “Motherfreaker.” The Lonely Island gives William H. Macy a lapdance. Akon sings “I Just Had Sex” in front of a giant American flag. That was awesome.

8:16 Lea Michele and Ian Somerhalder come out and state that nothing they say now will be funny. Truest statement of the night. They present Outstanding Directing for a Variety Show to Saturday Night Live for the Justin Timberlake episode. I’d rather it have gone to The Daily Show, but oh well.

8:18 Scott Caan and Anna Paquin come out to present Outstanding Variety Show. They joke about how The Daily Show wins every year. Either Scott Caan is really short or Anna Paquin is taller than I thought. The award goes to The Daily Show, surprising absolutely no one. Nine straight years. Jimmy Fallon pretends to look pissed. Jon Stewart holds up the Emmy like it’s Simba. Jon Stewart thanks The Lonely Island because he now has a lot of explaining to do to his children. It’s awkward, but adorable. Just like Jon Stewart.

8:26 The Emmytones introduce the drama categories. Friday Night Lights starts off the montage, which is set to “Set Fire to the Rain.” Prepare for virtual tears if FNL does win. I’m serious.

8:28 Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher come out together to present Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series. Ashton Kutcher is seriously rocking the homeless chic look and jokes about how he’s not Charlie Sheen. Jason Katims wins for Friday Night Lights and I’m already tearing up.

8:31 Cryer and Kutcher stick around to present Outstanding Supporting Actress for a Drama Series to Margo Martindale for Justified. I really know very little about Justified, so I can’t really determine if it’s well-deserved or not. She trips up the stairs on her way to the stage and I think Ed O’Neill rushes up to help her. She’s so excited about this and I’m so excited for her.

8:40 Loretta Devine and Paul McCrane (winners for Best Guest Actors in a Drama Series) come out to present Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series. There is no way anyone can beat Scorsese in this category. It’s a joke that anyone is even nominated against him. He’s freaking Martin Scorsese for crying out loud. Though the pilot of Boardwalk Empire really was exquisite.

8:43 Kerry Washington and Jason O’Mara come out to present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. Kerry Washington looks fantastic. Jason O’Mara has a sexy accent. They joke about side effects of winning and it sounds exactly like a commercial for ED medication. Kinda lame. Peter Dinklage wins for Game of Thrones. This shocks no one. I’m glad they lowered the mic before he got to the stage because it would have been super awkward otherwise.

8:51 Really lame pre-taped Anderson Cooper 360 sketch where Jane Lynch plays a mob boss who is responsible for making sure the setting of every TV show is Jersey.

8:53 Bryan Cranston and Katie Holmes come out to present Outstanding Lead Actress. Julianna Margulies wins. Total bullshit. Also, I hate her dress even more every time I see it. Gah.

8:56 Drew Barrymore comes out with the new Charlie’s Angels. Lame banter about legacies and passing the torch. Kyle Chandler wins and I cry. Minka Kelly gives him the award and a huge hug. He remembers to thank Connie after the cameras cut away.

9:07 Best line of the night from Jane Lynch. “A lot of people are curious why I’m a Lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Entourage.” They present Outstanding Writing in a Miniseries/Movie to Downton Abbey. Haven’t seen any of these. Don’t care.

9:11 Entourage sticks around to present Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries to Maggie Smith. Yay Professor McGonagall!

9:17 Jane Lynch and Paula Abdul come out and pretend to be the Ernst & Young accountants. They introduce Amy Poehler and Melissa McCarthy who present Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries. They talk about how the men have to be willing to show some skin because that’s what keeps us coming back for more. Barry Pepper wins for The Kennedys. He didn’t show up.

9:20 Poehler and McCarthy stick around to present Outstanding Directing for Miniseries/Movie. The winner is Downton Abbey. Kind of really surprised that Mildred Pierece has been shut out so far.

9:22 Time for the sad In Memoriam segment. Random guys sing “Hallelujah.” A lot of really awesome people died this year. Peter Falk. Elizabeth Taylor. Julie Andrews’ husband. June Cleaver. And now we cry. I’m really glad that we can’t really hear any applause until the end. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people try to rate the “applause meter” on celebrities who have died.

9:32 Apparently, it was the Canadian Tenors who were singing. Way to introduce them before. Anna Torv (YAY) and David Boreanaz (blech) present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries to Guy Pearce for Mildred Pierce. Lame joke about how Guy Pearce isn’t related to Mildred Pierce. These voiceovers seem to be getting worse as the night goes on.

9:36 Hugh Laurie and Claire Danes present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries. They joke about how Helen Mirren always wins this and that she’s the favorite to win, even though she’s not nominated. The winner is KATE FREAKING WINSLET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s so adorable. All the time. And she’s so excited about this. I love her so much.

9:44 Don Cheadle comes out to present Outstanding Miniseries/Movie to Downton Abbey. Pretty surprised. Thought it would be Mildred Pierce.

9:46 Maria Bello and William H. Macy come out to present Outstanding Drama Series. Macy’s weird scarf thing looks terrible. So, Mad Men wins again for a sub-par season and now, Friday Night Lights will never win. Fuck you, Emmys.

9:54 Jane Lynch comes out for the last time to introduce Gwyneth Paltrow, who presents Outstanding Comedy Series. Her dress is truly terrible. She’s apparently going to wing it because the prompter is down. Thankfully, she didn’t try to be funny. Modern Family wins. If Parks and Rec couldn’t win, then I’m glad MF did. I’m just glad it wasn’t The Office or 30 Rock because their seasons were sub-par at best. The creator makes the point to identify the kids on the show, who really are fantastic. He talks about how shows like Modern Family are working to make people more tolerant of homosexuality. This is a really good acceptance speech. I like it.

9:58 Jane Lynch comes back to close out the show. Overall, there were a lot of really surprising wins which were very well-deserved. I’m just incredibly devastated at the loss for Friday Night Lights. It deserved that win so incredibly much.

Emmy Predictions

Before the show starts, I might as well add my two cents to all the Emmy predictions out there. I’m just going to go through and do the biggest categories. I haven’t seen any of the miniseries or movies nominated, though I think Mildred Pierce will probably sweep those categories.


Outstanding Comedy: 

Nominees: Glee, Parks and Recreation, The Office, Modern Family, 30 Rock, The Big Bang Theory

Will Win: Modern Family. This is such a critical darling and for good reason. It’s a fantastic show and a win would be well deserved. However…

Should Win: Parks and Recreation. This is really the only category where I’ve legitimately seen every episode of each of the shows. I love all of these shows. People who know me well know all about my intense Glee and Big Bang Theory obsessions. However, those shows both had uneven seasons. The Office is past its prime and 30 Rock suffered quite a bit this year. Modern Family also had its poor episodes. Parks and Rec was hands down the most consistently funny show of this category (I honestly would rather see Community win, but it didn’t get nominated). There are moments from this past season that had me rolling on the floor laughing and it was just the strongest of these six.

Lead Actor, Comedy:

Nominees: Matt LeBlanc (Episodes), Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory), Johnny Galecki (The Big Bang Theory), Steve Carell (The Office), Louis C.K. (Louie), Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)

Will Win: Steve Carell. It’s his last season portraying Michael Scott, which has become an incredibly beloved character. He’s also never won an Emmy in this category. It’s inevitable.

Should Win: Jim Parsons. He won last year and was just as fantastic this year. Even though Sheldon was front and center in too many episodes this season, Parsons was never unwelcome. I would also love to see Johnny Galecki win because he is really hilarious and is often overshadowed by Parsons.

Lead Actress, Comedy:

Nominees: Laura Linney (The Big C), Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie), Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation), Melissa McCarthy (Mike & Molly), Martha Plimpton (Raising Hope), Tina Fey (30 Rock)

Will Win: Laura Linney. She made cancer funny. That’s nearly impossible to do, but she pulled it off and she did it well.

Should Win: Amy Poehler. Leslie Knope is one of the funniest characters on TV right now. The character started as a rip-off of Michael Scott, but Poehler has managed to put a completely different spin on the character. She seems naive at times, but she’s really just idealistic. More than anything, she’s a strong woman who has high aspirations. I want to be besties with Leslie Knope and Poehler deserves all the credit for that. She’s fantastic.

Supporting Actor, Comedy:

Nominees: Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men), Chris Colfer (Glee), Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family), Ed O’Neill (Modern Family), Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family), Ty Burrell (Modern Family)

Will Win: Chris Colfer. I have a feeling that the Modern Family guys are going to cancel each other out and I just don’t foresee Jon Cryer winning it. He could very well win just for not being Charlie Sheen. However, Colfer has really been in the spotlight a lot this season for the bullying storyline and his wonderful relationship with Blaine (Darren Criss). I think he has the most momentum and might pull it off tonight.

Should Win: Ty Burrell. As much as I absolutely adore Chris Colfer, the majority of the scenes where he really shined this year were dramatic. He wasn’t given the opportunity to show off his comedic skills most of the time. I don’t watch enough of Two and a Half Men to know about Jon Cryer. However, Ty Burrell is a total scenestealer on Modern Family. Phil is possibly my favorite character and Burrell really hasn’t been recognized for that. I would love for this year to be his.

Supporting Actress, Comedy:

Nominees: Jane Lynch (Glee), Betty White (Hot in Cleveland), Julie Bowen (Modern Family), Kristen Wiig (SNL), Jane Krakowski (30 Rock), Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)

Will Win: Jane Lynch. She’s the freaking host. It’s just kind of awkward if she doesn’t win.

Should Win: Julie Bowen. She has to play the “straight man” a lot of the time, which can be a very unforgiving role. However, when Bowen is given the chance to be the goofy, outgoing one, she is absolutely hilarious. She has amazing comedic timing and does fantastic with the role of Claire.


Outstanding Drama Series:

Nominees: Boardwalk Empire, The Good Wife, Mad Men, Friday Night Lights, Dexter, Game of Thrones

Will Win: Mad Men. When the Emmys loves something, they consistently reward it. Mad Men has won the past three years and will likely win for the fourth time.

Should Win: Friday Night Lights. This is one of the best shows in recent television history. It has never been nominated for Best Series and this was its final season. The only Emmy it has ever won is for Outstanding Casting and it deserves so much more than that. FNL has had five mostly consistent seasons. The only exception was the ludicrous murder plot from the second season, but other than that, it has been absolutely exquisite. Anything less than a win is an absolute travesty.

Lead Actor, Drama:

Nominees: Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire), Michael C. Hall (Dexter), Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights), Jon Hamm (Mad Men), Hugh Laurie (House), Timothy Olyphant (Justified)

Will Win: Steve Buscemi. Period shows are like crack to the Emmys and pretty much any awards show.Buscemi has received a lot of critical praise and after his Golden Globes win, he has a good shot at winning here as well.

Should Win: Kyle Chandler. Look at everything I just said about Friday Night Lights. Kyle Chandler’s Coach Taylor is the moral center of this show. He has never been recognized by the Emmys and that needs to change tonight.

Lead Actress, Drama:

Nominees: Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men), Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights), Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU), Mireille Enos (The Killing), Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife), Kathy Bates (Harry’s Law)

Will Win: Kathy Bates. She’s going to win because she’s Kathy Bates. The Emmys tends to be ridiculously unimaginative with their picks in this category (look at last year’s win for Kyra Sedgwick). Bates is one of the most unimaginative picks for this category, so she’s a safe bet.

Should Win: Connie Britton. Once again, Friday Night Lights. It’s amazing. Britton is phenomenal as Coach’s wife Tami and she needs to be recognized. Now.

Supporting Actor, Drama:

Nominees: John Slattery (Mad Men), Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age), Walton Goggins (Justified), Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones), Josh Charles (The Good Wife), Alan Cumming (The Good Wife)

Will Win: Peter Dinklage. All the buzz is behind him and he is reportedly amazing in Game of Thrones.

Should Win: John Slattery. To be fair, he’s the only one whose performance I’ve actually seen, but he is fantastic. I really love Roger on Mad Men and Slattery does a great job with him.

Supporting Actress, Drama:

Nominees: Kelly Macdonald (Boardwalk Empire), Christina Hendricks (Mad Men), Michelle Forbes (The Killing), Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife), Margo Martindale (Justified), Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)

Will Win: Archie Panjabi. She won last year and I think she’ll probably win again this year.

Should Win: Christina Hendricks. Joan is fantastic and Hendricks does amazing with the character. She’s absolutely gorgeous and sexy, which she ties into her character. Her sense of humor is fantastic. She’s basically just a badass and deserves to win.

The Millionaire Matchmaker

I completely understand the desire for guilty pleasure TV shows. Sometimes, it’s just nice to turn off your brain and watch something stupid and fluffy.

I came into this show expecting to hate everything about it and be completely disgusted. I was expecting some rip-off of The Bachelor. It was slightly better than expected.

Every show starts off with Patti (the Matchmaker) reviewing potential client videos with her two co-workers. They talk about whether or not they think the potential client is actually committed to finding a lasting relationship or just wants to get laid. They also discuss all potential flaws of the client, ranging from chauvinistic tendencies to their appearance.

Then they meet with the client and get a feel for what kind of man or woman the client likes. Patti tends to mock them mercilessly, which is sometimes funny, but mostly just seems mean.

Next up is the casting session, which is the one part of the show that I truly detest. Basically, these people who are also looking for a relationship come in to Patti and her co-workers and they rip apart everything about them. They tell these people that they need to buy new clothes, dye their hair (to better fit the desires of the millionaire client), lose weight, or stop looking so “Midwest.” This is all meant to be humorous for the audience, but I have serious problems in laughing at people for the way they look. It’s mean-spirited and some of the people look genuinely hurt after meeting with Patti. This part generally lasts about five to ten minutes and I feel like I need a shower at the end of it. There are already so many negative messages that people have to deal with regarding body image and I hate watching things that add to that. There’s a huge difference between making fun of someone for wearing something (which I’m sometimes okay with when people are ripping apart the outfit and not the person in it) and telling her she needs to dye her hair to please a man she might not even like. I only use “her” and “she” because both of the episodes I watched involved a male client trying to find a female date. Thus, women were the only ones in the casting session.

Once that particularly troubling segment ends, the cocktail party starts. There are generally two clients per cocktail party and they chat with all the potential dates. Then they each pick two and have a “mini-date” with each of them. At the end of the night, the client picks the person he or she liked the most and they set up a date.

Afterwards, Patti tells each client what she does not want them to do on the date (be controlling, be chauvinistic, have sex, etc.). The clients are then allowed to set up their own date and we see some of what happens on the date.

The last part of the episode involves Patti calling each client and their dates and interrogating them about the date. If the client did anything to go against Patti’s instructions, she basically yells at them and tells them to “fuck off.” She does it slightly more professionally, but that’s the basic message she conveys.

As the credits roll, we get an update on how each client is doing and if they are still dating the person they chose on the show.

I can see how this show can be addicting. There were some clients that I wanted to root for and others I wanted to punch in the face. The problem for me is that the troubling parts of the show stuck with me far longer than the non-troubling parts. My guilty pleasure shows should not cause me more stress. Granted, I am more sensitive to shows that ridicule people for body image, but that’s why I generally try to avoid them. If you aren’t as sensitive to that topic and you enjoy dating shows, this is one of the less sleazy ones out there. And while I don’t necessarily like Patti all that much, she can be entertaining at times.

Sons of Anarchy

So, here’s the thing. If you have been reading my blog for very long, you know that I reviewed Sons of Anarchy when season 2 came out on DVD last year. I pretty much hated it then. I haven’t watched any episodes since then and I have only a vague understanding of what happened last season. Pretty much, I’m going into this season premiere cold. I probably won’t know character names, so I will most likely rename them. I’m doing my best to go into this with an open mind, though, so we’ll see what happens.

Previously on Sons of Anarchy: Hopefully, someone else knows, because they didn’t tell us anything tonight.

Some guy named Teller (?) is apparently in prison. I think he has kids, though, because this woman looks really sad about something and she was shown directly after the guy in prison.

Ron Perlman is also in prison. Katey Sagal is taking care of his baby. So far, what I’m getting is that all of the men are in jail and all the women are taking care of their kids. And apparently, all of these guys had the exact same sentence because they’re all getting out on the exact same day, except for Mr. Eyepatch who appears to be in hardcore solitary confinement. He’s not long for this world, though, because someone put a razor blade in his hardboiled egg. Pretty sure that violates some sort of health code.

And now, they ride while giving a middle finger salute to prison. As anyone would do. Totally called it. Mr. Eyepatch is now dead. And apparently the bikers’ homes are gone thanks to Oswald Construction. These guys look pissed. Ron Perlman even took off his sunglasses in anger and then put them back on with an air of frustration.

The cops have apparently gotten wind that the bikers are back in town. Cue witty banter between them and the sheriffs. I’m guessing he’s the new villain for this season? Lieutenant Roosevelt has come to enforce their new dress code. I feel he probably has bigger things to worry about than what colors the bikers are wearing, but maybe it’s a slow time for him.

Some guy on oxygen came to warn Sad Girl from the beginning scene that history doesn’t change. He works in a garage. I feel like it’s probably unsafe because surely, there are flames in the garage and he might explode. However, all the men have returned to the garage. I’m guessing this is their cover business? Maybe it’s a legit business? Aw, one guy is proposing to someone! I think. Or Katey Sagal just slipped him some drugs. Can’t really tell. Aw, he’s proposing to Sad Girl. Then she won’t be sad, maybe?

Some guy in a leather jacket who was on a bike before and was smoking is apparently an attorney. He’s probably supposed to be an edgy character. I’m guessing some sort of moral gray area. Now, the mayor is there to make sure Lt. Roosevelt knows he has to keep Ron Perlman in line. I’m guessing that won’t go so well.

The bikers are all applauding someone for keeping them together. Ron Perlman has resumed his spot as the head of the company. They all seem concerned about Oswald Construction. I don’t understand Ron Perlman’s accent. He talks like a Jersey gangster would, but it’s not the exact same. Some of these guys are apparently Irish. They’re worried about Lt. Roosevelt. Yep, definitely villain of the season. One guy with a long beard is apparently getting married and wants good wedding presents. The nerdiest biker I’ve ever seen was standing guard. He’s obviously the tech guy, because he’s about as intimidating as anyone named Oswald, meaning not at all.

Lt. Roosevelt is following the bikers, especially Ron Perlman. Seriously, is there no other crime in this town? Now, the bikers are kicking the sheriff’s car and they just ran some poor tow truck off the road. What did the tow truck ever do to them? That wasn’t cool. And now Lt. Roosevelt said he wants the bikers to die. That wasn’t very nice.

The random lawyer is also apparently paranoid. As he puts it, he has “trust issues.” He is also apparently obsessed with the bikers. He even has a whole wall of everyone possibly ever involved with the gang. And somehow, the Russians are also involved. The lawyer seems to know everything about Belfast, the Russians, and Jimmy O’Fallon. Ooh, the lawyer has an agent working with the Russians. I’m guessing that by the seventh or eighth episode of the season, that agent will die some horrific death. The lawyer kind of has crazy eyes. I’m predicting he’ll go batshit crazy by the end of the season. And now Lt. Roosevelt is on track to help take down the Sons of Anarchy and the IRA.

Cut to the bikers in the Russian strip club. The agent is in there, too. Yep, he’ll definitely die by the end of the season. The Russians and the bikers are apparently having a party tonight. Somehow, I don’t think there will be a piñata or cake. Probably just illegal weapons. That sounds like a lame party.

Katey Sagal wants to see some guy in a metal trailer. Apparently, Wade? Or Weed? I can’t really tell. Well, WadeWeed is kind of a slob. Katey Sagal isn’t happy about this. From the way he’s acting, I think WadeWeed has some sort of dementia or other memory-loss illness. He’s not taking his meds. Katey Sagal isn’t happy about that, either. Also, WadeWeed looks like a much older version of Paul Giamatti. WadeWeed broke up with someone named Dallas. Apparently, Ron Perlman won’t approve. And now WadeWeed is crying while Katey Sagal gives him a baggie with something to help his plants.

The bikers are all chilling by the side of the road. I’m guessing their hands are restrained somehow because they all have their hands behind their back. And I was wrong earlier. It wasn’t Lt. Roosevelt who tried to run them off the road. Some other deputy did. Lt. Roosevelt wasn’t happy about that.

Sad Girl is apparently trying to morph into Katey Sagal because she looks exactly like her. And now, she’s having sex with Katey Sagal’s son. That just seems weird and slightly Oedipus-like.

It’s evidently the sex part of the episode, as Ron Perlman and Katey Sagal just reunited in bed. Katey Sagal doesn’t want Ron Perlman to go back to prison. She’s worried about the Russians. Ron Perlman doesn’t think she has anything to worry about and tells her they’ll be rich soon enough. Ron Perlman seems to be sick, but he doesn’t want surgery because he’ll have to step down from leading the gang. So, he’d rather die and then have to let someone else lead anyway? That seems silly. And someone named Unser (?) apparently gave a lot for the gang. Katey Sagal wants Ron Perlman to go see him.

Sad Girl redecorated Katey Sagal’s Son’s house. He teases her about it. She wants to talk about their kids. Then the kid starts crying.

Guy who’s getting married is much taller than his bride. Like, it seems hard to get them in the same frame. It’s a little awkward. Groom seems nervous and Bride tries to reassure him. She seems unsure about something.

Katey Sagal’s Son has a really cute kid. The kid also has a ring for his mom. It’s not the greatest proposal ever, but it seems sweet. Sad Girl seems a little bit uncertain, though. She doesn’t want to change Katey Sagal’s Son, but she doesn’t know if she can handle his lifestyle. Katey Sagal’s Son wants out of the gang, but Sad Girl is skeptical. Katey Sagal’s Son doesn’t think the bond of brotherhood is still there. He doesn’t want to be a part of the beer or greed. Now, I’m super confused because the way Katey Sagal’s Son is talking, it doesn’t sound like he’s actually Katey Sagal’s Son. Maybe a nephew or something? Katey Sagal’s Mysterious Male Family Member doesn’t think he has any skills and is too much of a chauvinistic pig to let his wife support him. Ugh. Katey Sagal’s MMFM thinks Ron Perlman is eventually going to lose power and that Katey Sagal is just an old woman (ouch). When Ron Perlman loses power, he and Sad Girl are going to leave.

Ron Perlman’s come to see WadeWeed. They seem happy to see each other. They talk a little about the new housing development and the new sheriff (with only a couple of vaguely racist things to say). Apparently, WadeWeed has cancer. Ron Perlman needs his help to stop the new development by “letting nature take its course.” Yeah, someone’s gonna die. My money’s on Oswald. Ron Perlman needs some trucks for “wedding shit.”

Apparently, Mr. Eyepatch was not successful in his suicide attempt. He seems frustrated in a defeated sort of way. Some prison guard seems like he’s giving Mr. Eyepatch another way out. This prison guard seems very supportive of Mr. Eyepatch’s quest to die.

And now for a biker wedding. The sheriffs are there to stake something out. Apparently, the wedding is just an excuse to trade some illegal arms. And seriously, the bride’s train is like twice the length of her dress. The garter is lower on her leg than the dress goes. That’s just trashy. And the groom is wearing a leather vest and a long-sleeve shirt. I’m all for casual, but this seems ridiculous. The groom seriously looks like he’s wearing brass knuckles. Unless the reception is a Fight Club theme, that’s just unnecessary. He also vows to treat his new wife “as good as his leather and ride her like his Harley.” Charming.

Some of the guys sneak away from the reception in order to unload their truck of illegal arms. Katey Sagal dances with WadeWeed. Russian guy gives the groom a “copkiller.” He proclaims it the best wedding present ever. Ron Perlman is also excited by it. The bride is pretty much wasted. The other guys make fun of the groom because he dances with his bride at their wedding reception. Yeah, that seems like cause for making fun of a newly married guy.

The other guys play with the new guns while “What a Wonderful World” plays in the background. Mr. Eyepatch gets out of bed and kills the other guy in the infirmary by digging a knife into his ear. I think I just threw up a little bit. That was disgusting. And now, the bikers massacre the Russians. I’m pretty sure the agent went down with them. Ron Perlman joins in on killing a couple of the guys. We watch one guy violently stab one the head Russian. And again, I throw up a little bit. It might have been Katey Sagal’s MMFM doing the stabbing. All the bikers kind of look the same to me. Katey Sagal finds some letter to Jackson. She seems troubled. The bikers throw away the bodies and then sit around smoking cigars and drinking beer. All while people continue dancing to “What a Wonderful World.” Wow.

Oh, and they dropped the dead bodies at the new development property.

Overall, I didn’t hate the show as much as I did when I watched it last. I still find it vile because of all the violence. I can understand why people want to watch it, but it’s just so not my cup of tea. I got much more excited for the commercials for “American Horror Story.”



Hello again!

I swear I have not abandoned this blog! In the five months since I last updated, I finished my junior year of college, went to Europe for the first time in my life, worked at my regular summer nerd camp, and started an internship and my senior year. That didn’t leave room for much blogging time. However, with the nature of my current internship, I need some time for self-care and movies and television have always been my favored outlet. I’m going to attempt to update three times a week, but I might get behind. I promise it will not be five months again, though.

I decided to refine my focus a little more, though. In all honesty, I’m not a huge music person. I know what I like and am constantly listening to that, but I don’t have the same passion about that as I do with movies and TV. Occasionally, I might throw in a post about a music video or song that EW recommends, but I will probably not do any full album reviews (unless it’s an artist I actually know and feel confident writing about). I’m also going to expand to some TV shows that EW does not specifically recommend. I’m planning on a full fall preview of TV with my ridiculous schedule included (I’m attempting to follow 26 shows this season). I’ll also keep up my liveblogs of the Emmys, Golden Globes, and Oscars.

This week, I’ve got plans to review the Sons of Anarchy fourth season premiere, The Millionaire Matchmaker, and Suits. There is also the possibility of a liveblog of the True Blood season finale, provided I can catch up before Sunday and find a house with HBO. We’ll see. Stay tuned!