EW Description: “Did you see that crazy viral video? Probably not, because comedian Daniel Tosh hasn’t been around to help you wade through the world of Web weirdness. Well, now his TV series is back and he’s offering more funny, scathing commentary about every awesome — or embarrassing — Internet sensation.”
I’ve read, watched, and listened to a lot of new things for this blog. Some of it turned out to be completely amazing (The King’s Speech, Black Swan, Winter’s Bone, etc.) and some of it was just painful (Fashion Police, The Bachelor), but even when something was truly atrocious, I managed to make it all the way through it. I sat through two hours of The Bachelor, although I did have to spread it out over a few days. Today, however, is the first time I have not been able to make it through all of a TV show that was recommended to me by EW.
The bit that pushed me over the edge concerned the Antoine Dodson “Hide Yo Kids” viral video. I’ll admit it, I’ve watched the autotuned news video more times than I can count and my roommates and I have dance parties to the song at random times. It’s my secret shame. However, Daniel Tosh took it to a whole new level on the season 3 premiere of Tosh.O. I’ll let Tosh’s words speak for themselves.
“That’s Antoine Dodson and he hates rape. Instead of crying in the shower for three hours, he fought back. Rape is an awful crime, but the fact is, without rape, we wouldn’t have this great video. Plus, Tori Amos would have nothing to sing about. I’d never want to buy a Duke lacrosse t-shirt and there’d be no Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for your parents to watch while you’re upstairs trying to rape your girlfriend. Basically, there are four kinds of rape. You have your traditional scary rape, which seems to only happen to joggers, so if you want to stay safe, knock it off with the cardio. Then there’s prison rape, which involves criminals, so it doesn’t really count. Now, date rape is the politest rape of them all, but it would happen way less often if doctors would just stop prescribing the date rape drug. Last but not least, there’s statutory rape, which can be very confusing because let’s be honest, women never look their age. 15 or 57? Who can tell? I don’t work at a goddamn carnival. And every place is different. In these states, the age of consent is 16. Basically, if your state can’t wait for President Palin, it’s a safe bet you can legally bang a high school sophomore. But for you real perverts, in Mexico it’s 12, so book your flights today. I’ve never been raped, but I have seen the movie Somewhere by Sofia Coppola and I’m pretty sure the experience is equally horrific. I know I’d be a terrible rapist. I struggle with a consenting female. So, if you’re squirming around throwing elbows, trust me ladies and gentlemen, you’re safe. But in the end, rape is just the word pear all jumbled up. I look at rape the same way I look at HIV. If you play guard for the Lakers, it won’t affect you. Antoine vowed to catch his sister’s rapist, but he got caught up in being famous and never followed through. That’s why I brought him to Hollywood, the sole/soul rape capital of the world to finish the job in this week’s Web Redemption.”
If you find this funny, you’ll love the show. If not, don’t ever waste your time. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go vomit now.